1/27/2013

The Palomino And The Butterfly

Miss Fifi is off on one of her fabulous adventures, so we, her loyal staff, have chosen an article we love from the archives for you to enjoy!

I have two perfect sisters. I am the oldest of the three of us, but neither of them ever mentions it out loud. My sisters have been known to get giggly and stupid if a business offers a senior citizens rate on food or services. They always let me know how close I am to qualifying. How thoughtful.

The funny thing is that both of my sisters think that I am so damn accomplished and exciting. Just because I have told them that I am “The Queen of the World”, I didn’t actually think that they believed me.

The truth of the matter is, even though I obviously have them convinced that I am brilliant beyond words and completely fabulous in all ways, it is really me who is humbled by them.

We call my middle sister Del. It’s a shortened version of her proper name, but I still like to tell everyone that it’s short for “delicious”. She is taller than me with natural platinum blonde hair and devastating baby blue eyes. When she enters a room, she is always noticed, and it’s more than just her looks. It’s the way she carries herself. She has this regal air about her. Just recently I gave her a dark brown outfit of mine that I never wore. When she put it on, she was an elegant vision in espresso colored gauze. Gorgeous! I never wore it because I looked like a big bran muffin in it. She can carry off what others can’t.

She didn’t always stand up straight and tall and walk into a room like she owned the place. Growing up in a world of button-nosed size 5 “Gidget” girls had an effect on her self esteem. One day she explained to me why she sought the shadows rather than the spotlight. No... it’s not because I pushed her out of the way.

I will never forget that moment when she explained to me, quite tearfully, that her height and athletic shape made her feel awkward and unbeautiful amongst all the little petite girls. It came as such a shock to me. “But sister!” I told her, "You are SO beautiful. You are my palomino.” “Palomino?” she asked quizzingly. I went on to tell her that she has always reminded me of one of those gorgeous palomino horses. The very essence of magnificence... the palest gold in color with a silky flaxen mane that blows in the wind as this thoroughbred creature gallops gracefully through life. Powerful, beautiful and strong.

Del liked that. Now every time she is having a bad hair day, a fat day, or a generally crappy day, she asks me to tell her that “palomino thing” again.

Jackie is our baby sister. Soon she will turn 48. Since no one does denial better than she does, she refers to this upcoming birthday as turning 30/18.

Everyone loves Jackie. She is pretty and sexy and funny. She can dance and sing and will do so with all she’s got as if no one is watching. She is a free spirit who would rather be sitting on the back of a Harley than having tea with the queen, but there is a gentle feminine innocence to her that captivates and charms. Have you ever been outside and all of a sudden, out of nowhere comes this beautiful creature with iridescent multi-colored wings fluttering by? Every eye is watching as it flits poetically from flower to leaf. It’s like that when Jackie is around. Jackie spent a good part of her life in the security and darkness of her own personal cocoon. Even when she evolved from a caterpillar, there were times when even the ones who loved her most had trouble believing that she would ever find the courage to change and take flight. But just like the process of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly is a miracle of nature, so is our baby sister. When she finally emerged and faced the world, she discovered that she was one of the most beautiful things in it.

These are words I have wanted to write for a very long time. Today seemed like the perfect opportunity to pay tribute to my beautiful sisters. They mean the world to me. And besides, we have no idea who will die first, so if it’s not me, I have a great head start on their eulogies.

I love you, Dellie and Jacks. I love you both ridiculous amounts and I am so proud to be your sister. Oh sorry... your older sister. I know how much you love to hear me say those words!

1/18/2013

Do Or Diet

I have begun a food program. You know the one I mean. They have celebrity spokespeople who used to be chubby bunnies and are now svelte. This famous plan has weekly meetings where you weigh in and then sit in a group and talk about what you ate all week. You are not allowed to call it a “diet” under any circumstances. I don’t know who they think they are kidding, because if I have to write down what I ate and do math, it’s a DIET. The whole concept revolves around the theory that you can eat anything you want, you just have to use portion control. It's a nice theory, but I really think that they should give you a thimble as part of the equipment so you can measure out the eclairs and beef stroganoff properly.

Well, I just completed my first month for the 27th time. I have joined this program so often that I am surprised that my photo isn't in the lobby. But, I know it works and hopefully this time it will.

"Our lecturer lost a whole person—148 lbs."

The weigh-in process is pretty interesting. You have to get in line with people who are saving each other’s places while they run into the bathroom one last time. I don't know how much pee weighs, but unless you are Clydesdale, I honestly don't think it matters that much. Besides that, people started disrobing before my eyes. Shoes, socks, jackets, watches, cell phones, earrings... you name it. One guy even took a pack of gum out of his pocket before getting weighed. They have little cubicles where a staff member weighs you in. This person is an ex-fatty who is there to commend your losses and explain away any gains. They will not allow you to feel bad if your weight should go up. It’s water weight, or the time of day, or the phase of the moon or the wind that is responsible. Thank goodness I didn't blurt out about the bag of cheese doodles and the Snickers bar. I was congratulated about my 1.2 lb. loss as if I had just won an Olympic Gold Medal.

They try to keep the whole weigh-in experience very private. It almost works except for the fact that they have digital scales that display your weight in huge digital numbers the size of the ones in Times Square.

So I got weighed and went and sat down for the meeting. Our lecturer is fabulous. She lost a whole person, 148 lbs, so she knows what she is talking about. She is awesome.

It is really hard to get excited when the weight loss is less than extraordinary. The lady who signed me up had on a name tag that proudly proclaimed she had lost 12 lbs. I can lose more weight than that by just taking off my bracelets.

I really respect my lecturer, because I know how hard it is to stay focused on losing weight. I have been on many diets and the reason they don’t work for me is always the same... I get hungry.

The group then told stories of triumphs and challenges they had faced with fattening foods. One lady told this riveting account of a piece of 5 layer chocolate cake that she was offered and only ate a few bites. I joined the class in applauding her self-control while all the time fantasizing about what happened to the rest of that piece of cake.

We talked about goals. Some people wanted to wear a bikini again, some were getting smaller for an upcoming wedding or special event. Everyone had a dream of getting skinny and sexy. My dream? I would just be happy really weighing what it says on my driver’s license.

This really is a great program and gets easier every day. And I promise to faithfully keep at it until someone comes up with that Krispy Kreme Diet that I have been waiting for.

Until Next Time

1/11/2013

Going Places

I have such vacation fever, it’s crazy. I love to get away at this time of year because the kids are all back at school and some of the best places to go are reasonably quiet and inexpensive.

I sat down at the computer and started shopping for a place to get away from it all. I live in California, so sun is not a novelty to me. I wanted to go somewhere that I can just be me. No make up, no hair-dos, no muss and fuss. I just want to relax. I am planning on going alone, so I don't have to make anyone happy but me. Contrary to popular belief, I am not hard to please. I just need a comfortable bed and some peace and quiet. I don't ski or toboggan, but I do like the snow. Sitting by a nice fire and sipping cognac is sport enough for me. If I went somewhere tropical, that would be fine. As long as they have air conditioning and a pool where I can dangle my feet while drinking a mojito, I would be happy. I don't drink much in real life because I always have work to do or a place to go and alcohol doesn't fit into my life style. But I do enjoy cocktails when I don't have anything to do but take it easy.

Okay, so back to where I am going to go. I wanted something out of the ordinary. I don't have time to go to the Galapagos Islands or Katmandu. Going to Hawaii or Acapulco is too touristy. Where can I go that is unexplored, but not too primitive? What kind of vacation spot will I be able to talk about when I get back and have everyone fascinated? Here are some great REAL places I found. Wanna come along?

I bet we would have a great time in Happyland, CT. We could turn a frown upside-down in Smileyberg, KS. If we were especially hungry, we might visit Sandwich, MA. I love animals, so Hippo, KY, Chicken, AK, and Monkey’s Eyebrow, AZ could be fun. You know, if we just want something not too exciting, Okay, OK, Ordinary, KY, or Boring, OR would be perfect.

Alright, I am done being silly, but these are real places... no kidding. But when all was said and done, I have decided to spend a few days in Palm Springs, CA. It's close and the desert is lovely at this time of year. In Fifi speak, that means it's not hot. I hate to be hot. I am speaking of the temperature way, not the "oh baby, you look hot!" way.

You see, in the quiet of Palm Springs, I can take in the serenity of the desert landscapes, experience a sunrise, or perhaps even one of those magnificent desert sunsets that are so often captured in photographic art. I can explore my inner self, meditate and even begin a spiritual journey that may carry me the rest of my life.

On the second day there are shopping outlets, restaurants, and casinos. Woohoo! I am all set!

By the way, so many of you have asked what is going on with that new man in my life. He is still around and we still see each other, but we have decided to be friends. To be honest, he just wasn't husband material. Sadly, the only men I seem to meet that ARE husband material all have the same imperfection—they have wives. Well, I'm off to the springs!

1/04/2013

I Swear

I have spent years convincing you all that I am this amazing creature who has all the answers to everything. I have created the illusion that I can solve any problem and work through almost anything effortlessly. This is why I have become the advice lady at LoveFifi.com When I am given a problem to solve, I confront it, I discuss it, I analyze it and sort it out until I formulate the perfect solution. Then I deliver my answer, with confidence and wisdom, to my believers. I have to admit, I am pretty good at advice and my track record even impresses me.

It may seem that nothing confounds Miss Fifi. But after all, I have lived a full life and I have paid attention the whole time. I have survived marriage, babies, Corporate America, raising teenagers, middle-age spread, losing loved ones and more. I am still cool despite the fact that the government, the airlines, customer service call centers, traffic and even the ones I love annoy the snot out of me on a daily basis. I don’t fall apart or get myself in a big twirl. Whether it’s MY dilemma or someone else’s, I seem to be able to find my way to a sensible end.

How do I do it, you ask? How is it that no matter what the world throws at me, I can somehow figure it out? How can this Fifi person handle huge difficulties and giant messes without exploding? Is she super-human? Is she a saint or an angel? Is she on drugs? What?

Although I particularly like the saint/angel theory, my success in untangling problems and giving good advice stems from something far less heavenly. The truth of the matter is I handle life so well because I know how to curse and swear better than any longshoreman or pirate ever dreamed. That is my secret.

This infatuation with dirty words started years ago. I called my little brother “stupid” and my mother washed my mouth out with soap. I learned my lesson very well that day. No amount of nasty tasting castile soap or bubbles up my nose could take away from the adrenalin rush and pure joy I felt screaming “STUPID!” into my brother’s face. I pretended I learned my lesson to keep mommy happy and to not lose my dessert that night, but I knew I had found the key to life.

My skills in the area of profanity became finely tuned in high school when I attended a very prestigious college prep all-girls academy. We, the uniformed little ladies, were there to prepare for University and to be molded into elegant and well-mannered young women. Our headmistress and her “posse” watched us girls like hawks, so such things as smoking in the girls’ room or sneaking alcohol were impossible. But what came out of our mouths when no one was around... that was another story. It was there where I learned a vocabulary and technique that would carry me through a lifetime. I also learned to swear under my breath and silently to myself. It’s not quite as satisfying or dramatic as blurting curse words out loud, but sometimes there is no other choice. Part of the learning process to my system is to know when you can get away with doing it out loud and when you have to do it inaudibly.

Here’s how it all works. When a problem or question arises that takes you by surprise, if you use bad words in your head before you open your mouth, you can get a lot of the shock and frustration out. When you finally speak, the words come out as wise and you look like you have the world figured out. For example, if someone rushed into my office and said “Fifi, John just backed his truck into your new car!” Because I can swear in my brain, I run through “OH blank! NO blanking WAY! And SON OF A blank! before I ever utter a syllable. I would then look up thoughtfully and say “Oh goodness, is John alright,” followed by “well, that’s why they call it INSURANCE!”. I look like the smartest, kindest and most understanding human being and I ended up saying exactly what was really important.

Not everyone is good at swearing. Not all people can reap the benefit of cuss word therapy because they just won’t jump into the program with both feet. You know those people I am talking about. They say darn and SPIT!... and oh fudge. It just doesn’t work the same. If the “F” word allows you to instantly let off steam and simultaneously allow your brain to engage normally, then say it! Freakin’, flippin’ and effin’ don’t have the power. They sound like a silly law firm. “Good Morning, Freakin, Flippin, and Effin... how may I direct your call?”

I have a good friend who is British who doesn’t believe in swearing. No matter what happens to him he always reacts the same. If I were to say to him, “Anthony! Your hair is on fire!” He would reply “Oh, Golly Gosh... thanks for letting me know, luv” as he was beating out the flames with his bare hands. By the way, Anthony gets into fist fights on a regular basis, so something’s not working out. Scarlett O’Hara got by with a simple little “Fiddle dee dee” when she was mad or perplexed. You know how she ended up.

So, there you have it, my darling readers. Now you know my secret. It’s not that I am so brilliant or was born with magnificent powers or perfect wisdom. It’s actually pretty simple... I get it right so much of the time because I have lived through much and I know I can get out my frustrations with a repertoire of juicy words. It’s not blanking rocket science, you know.