Titillating Conversation Part 2

Okie dokie, my darlings... we are gathered here today, in the presence of hopefully no one, to figure out more about your breasts and your bra size. I am assuming that you are sitting at the computer in your best-fitting, unpadded bra. If you have a husband or best friend to help you with the measuring part, it's not a bad idea. If you don't, I will be with you every step of the way.

Let's Measure!

Now that you have written down your numbers and checked the graph for your cup size, how many of you are spitting and sputtering at me on the computer? Many times when I measure someone, she is in disbelief at what size I recommend. It's not until I get women in the right bra that they become believers.

As you all know, bras come in a lot of sizes. Manufacturers like to scale down what they make so a lot of women fit the cups and don't pay attention to the fact that they are buying a bra that is too big around. Or worse yet, they fit their band size and let lots of breast spill over. Neither is a good thing.

How would you like it if some shoe manufacturers decided to just make sizes 6, 8, and 10. A bunch of us would be forced to squish our feet into shoes that are too small or slop around in ones that are too big. That's kind of what the bra industry does to ladies and that's why you need to know what size you are in my Perfect Fifi Bra World.

A dear friend of mine who is tallish and enviably slender let me measure her a few years back. I told her that she was not the 34B or 32C she thought she was. As it turned out, she measured as a 30D or possibly a 30DD in some styles. Of course she had never heard of those sizes, but I assured her that they DO exist. She actually was close with the 32C when she could find them, but herein lies the problem: The cups on a 32C and a 30D are exactly the same, but where they are sewn onto the band is different. The 30D placed the cups precisely where her breasts are located on her body.

The size she needs is available, but not as easily. They don't carry it at Target or Wal-Mart or even Macy's. But there is this wonderful thing called the Internet (where you will find LoveFifi.com) that can help you find more custom sizes. Finding your true size is not only infinitely more comfortable, but also does fantastic things for your figure. I will help you find the style and size of bra that you need no matter where I have to look. If we don't have it, maybe I can order it special just for you. If some other retailer has what you need, I will give you the information.

After we calculate your size, there is a little more to it. Your height and build can have an impact on a good bra fit. Doing the numbers can give you your perfect bra size, but sometimes it just gets you in "the neighborhood". It's a good start, however, and that's where I come in. Write to me. Tell me about your build. I want to know what you have trouble with, what you like in a bra and what you don't like. If you wear a particular bra regularly please tell me what it is. Style numbers and manufacturer info will help.

I am here for my ladies... and my guys, too, so let's talk. If you cross dress or are transsexual, I can help you find your dream bra. Don't be shy, any of you. I am here with an open mind and open arms. I have worked with cancer victims for years and can help with the dilemmas associated with losing a breast or breasts or finding a bra after a lumpectomy.

I look forward to hearing from you. Send me those numbers!

Titillating Conversation

I am very proud to say that I have long been considered an expert in the field of bras. This is both a point of pride and a curse all at the same time. No matter what I do or where I go, I look at women's breasts. I have to do it discreetly, of course, but I can't help it. So many women wear bras that are the wrong size, the wrong type for their body or too old to do their bustlines any good. Often times it is all the above.

For decades, I have been involved in changing all that, one set of boobies at a time. Once women know what I do, they tell me their bra woes no matter where we are having the conversation. Often they will pull their blouses up to their neck so I can get a first hand look at the problem. I have done bra critiques in elevators, hotel hallways and hundreds of Ladies' Rooms. I carry a tape measure always so I can do my bra missionary work at a moment's notice. Women are so grateful for my advice and recommendations.

I often will hear from them afterwards when they have followed my instructions as to the right bra and the right SIZE. I have been told that the experience was "life changing". It feels so good every time I add a new girl to my Fifi flock. The work I do is not extraordinary. It's what I do and I do it well, but I am not the Mother Theresa of my field, by any means. I am more of the Richard Simmons of bras. I get my followers motivated to find the support and shape they need to feel prettier and much of the time look thinner. I give women confidence and comfort with their bodies and that makes me very happy.

It is estimated that 75% of females are buying the wrong size bra. It's at least that much. I see it every day and I just want to go up to these poor ladies and whisk them away to the nearest broom closet and see what monstrosity they are wearing under their clothes.

I can't do that, of course, but I can certainly make sure that all my Fifi readers get educated. You see, my sweethearts, this is not your fault. The way stores merchandise bras these days is an atrocity. If you are not buying your bras from me, you have to "wing it" in the lingerie department. You must struggle through rack after congested rack of bras, all the while wrestling with those nasty little plastic hangers to look for what you think is your size. It's not fun.

Back in the Stone Age when I got my first bra,the Bra Department was a beautiful place with walls of built -in drawers that kept all the stock neatly nested in tissue, organized by size. A lovely and knowledgeable woman probably named Helen or Beatrice measured you, assessed your frame and then opened up each drawer with your size in it and made suggestions as to style. Then you tried them on and she came in and adjusted the back and the straps. When was the last time you tried on a bra in a department store? If you answered never, you are not alone. You'd try on a dress or a pair of shoes before you bought it, but rarely a bra. Here's where the problem lies and here's what we are going to do.

I am sending you all to Miss Fifi's Bra Academy. I want you all to meet me back here next week wearing your best fitting unpadded bra. You will need to bring something to write with and some paper. I am going to educate you, measure you, fit you and teach you the warning signs of an ill-fitting bra. After you learn the ins, outs, ups and downs of finding the right bra you will be forever looking at other women and noticing every bad bra in town. I told you it was a curse, but then you can help your circle of "sisters" get into a bra that does their body a big favor. And there is a BONUS to attending my short course next week. I will give you my personal contact information so we can talk. You give me the numbers and I will figure out your figure personally.

Next Saturday... same time, same place. Don't forget the tape measure! You need the cloth "seamstress" type, not the one from the garage.

Minimal Husbandry

I don't think it's any secret that I am divorced. I take care of everything myself or at least that's what people think. My house is in good order. Nothing is broken or in disrepair. My garden is lovely. My car is well-maintained. My finances are orderly. How do I do all this and still run LoveFifi.com? I couldn't do it without my husbands. That's right, my husbands... plural. Yes, I am indeed divorced. I was married for a very long time to a good man who honestly was best at making a living. He couldn't fix a thing. He didn't know a socket wrench from a screwdriver and had no desire to learn, so I figured out early on that if something broke, it was my job to find someone who could do the repair and not cost a fortune. It was kind of that way with everything. He was very important, so I took care of maintaining our life. I also had a career and a truck load of kids to take care of but I am not complaining. Actually in a weird way, my marriage prepared me for being single and on my own at this time of my life.

Back to my husbands. When you are in charge of a lot of "departments" let's call them, such as when running a household, you have to have a team of people that you can rely on at a moment's notice. I was always on the lookout for honest and talented people who could do the things we couldn't. I asked a lot of questions, nosed around a bit, and before long, I had quite a repertoire of butchers, bakers and candlestick makers who could take care of our needs. It got to the point that I had a killer list of plumbers, electricians, gardeners, handy guys and more who were tested and had my seal of approval. I was Angie's List long before Angie ever thought of it. If somebody I know needed a dependable person to fix or build something, or a good affordable mechanic or a tree trimmer, they would call me. The one thing that I was always most grateful for was that even when these guys got super busy because of my recommendations, they always took care of me and my family immediately.

Then comes 2007. I get a divorce. I buy a place of my own in another neighborhood. I am alone. It's not like I was married to a handyman and went through "fix it" shock as I was now used to finding someone else to do it. It turned out to be a blessing that I was married to the unhandiest man in the universe and it was then that I realized that I held the key to a happy life as a single woman. So once again, as I settled into my new life and my new home, I found talented and reliable guys to take care of the things that I can't do or don't care to do. Once I find someone great, I add them to my list, but this time I don't share them with the world. What I do is take care of them. I always offer coffee, cold drinks and food when one of my wonderful workers is doing something for me. I turn sports on the TV in every room in the house. They like to fix things for me and make me happy just like a husband does. That's what I have been told, but I have never been involved with a man who could fix anything so I wouldn't know for sure. But in apple pie America, that's what I hear goes on in homes.

So I affectionately call these men my husbands. It takes a lot of them doing everything really well to make me happy. No one man could ever come close and it works out well. I have my Handy Man Husband, Pete. He takes his coffee with heavy cream and two sugars. He has a key to my house and if something breaks, I can call him from work and he can fix it when I am not home. Sometimes I don't even see him and whatever it is gets fixed as if by magic. My Gardening Husband, Carlos (black coffee or Coca Cola... I stock both), not only trims, prunes, fertilizes my flowers, he fills up my bird feeders and waters for me when I am out of town. I have a Mechanic Husband, Sandy, who'd really like to be my husband, so I play it a little cooler with him. I don't know how he takes his coffee and I never will. I am just sweet and funny and give him lots of smiles and gratefulness. He has a giant crush on me and calls me personally to let me know when it's time for my car to be serviced. He has rescued me many times and done miracles so I wouldn't be without a vehicle. Believe it or not, I have a Manicure Husband, Kenny. Yep, the person who does my nails is a man. His beautiful wife Eve does my pedicures, so everything is Kosher. I do allow my husbands to have real wives, as long as they treat us both well. I have a Dog Groomer Husband, Jason. He delivers my dogs to me at the house if I need him too. I am his favorite customer because I have brought him a ton of business and he loves my dogs. I have a husband for every task a person has to endure to get things done. I don't know what collective noun you would use to describe my congregation of husbands. Well, it's a gaggle of geese, a pride of lions, a flush of ducks and a pod of whales. A herd of husbands, maybe?

Anyway, I am very well taken care of and I take very good care of my guys. All I need now is a husband husband who can devote his time to loving me, making me laugh, kissing me, hugging me and I will gladly do the same for him. And the good news is that he doesn't have to do much around the house. My husbands are all happily married, so I don't think much will change.

Honestly, finding a real husband for me is easier than finding, let's say... a good electrician. But finding a real husband would entail dating unless things have changed. I hate dating. You know, I think I will see if Angie can recommend a husband husband for me. Her recommendation service has come a long way and you never know.

Garage Sale 101

My sister and I have been piling up unwanted items for the past year and planning the granddaddy of all garage sales. We usually do this a couple of times a year, but this time is different because we are seriously downsizing. We both have so much stuff that we don't use or need, it's time to let a lot of it go. Sister has a nice sized garage for storage and she also lives on the perfect street. It's a bit of a thoroughfare, so people naturally stop when they see the fabulous array of crap that we have for sale.

Last weekend we began the preparation. For two solid days we pulled down the stacks of boxes, sorted out the treasures by category, moved the furniture to key locations and set up a million folding tables. We know how to do this, because we got into this situation because we love to go to garage sales. We both are very pleased with the abundance of great stuff that we own and use that came from garage sales, flea markets and auctions, but right now we just have too much. My poor sister's garage was so full that there was barely room for her car, a Volkswagen bug. Need I say more? We've been waiting for summer to pass, because it's harder to run a good sale when it's too hot. Buyers don't like to shop for long when it's hot and this girl hates to be hot, so fall is perfect The big event is scheduled for two weekends from now.

“You want to grab the drive-by shoppers who are on the way to somewhere else and can't resist stopping.”

The goal is to slim down what we own, make some money for our upcoming vacation and give my sister her garage back. We will do all of that and then some. I am a merchant and I am determined to make this sale the "event extraordinaire". It is important that you stage these sales so that everything looks appetizing to the buyers. There is a way to categorize the clutter so it is irresistible. The trick is to make it look random, but organize it cleverly. You don't want your customers knocking into each other, so you create "departments" without being obvious. The front lawn is like the showroom floor of a car dealership. You want to grab the drive-by shoppers who are on the way to somewhere else and can't resist stopping. The lawn is where we will put some furniture, the bicycle, the outdoor tea cart with the yellow striped umbrella and the "art gallery" of framed pictures that will line the walls... everything big and flashy. We will put a long table of china, pretty glassware, lamps, picture frames, candlesticks, etc. to be sure to attract the women. I think we have at least one of everything in the world and we plan to show it off and bring in the buyers. We even have a brand new professional barber pole to sell... don't ask. I will be the cashier and checkout will be on the front lawn as well. There's MORE treasures beyond the lawn in the patio area and the garage. They can enter, but they can only get out by going by me and my security man, Andy. He's our dear friend and Sister's next door neighbor. He will be there to keep a watchful eye on the customers and make sure everyone pays. He is also in charge of feeding us, so his presence is invaluable.

The patio area is where we keep all the "pretties". The vintage stuff, the linens, the purses, the cute kitchen accessories, decorator items and basically stuff that woman love to buy. My sister and I couldn't not buy this stuff, so we brought it home but now it has to go! The last stop is the garage. This we call the "testosterone department". Men come looking for tools, etc., or get dragged along to these sales. We are setting up an area to keep them organized and out of the way while the ladies shop to their hearts' content. The garage is staged with everything utilitarian from tools, to basketballs to sleeping bags, electronics, poker equipment, a Shop Vac and a 1990s boom box just to name some of the goodies in our man trap. Sis and I have gathered everything up from past projects, past boyfriends and ex-husbands and created a garage sale "man cave" that should wow the guys and keep them busy.

There's still a lot of work to be done but it's coming along great. Wanna hear a funny story? We had to run out last Saturday to get some things we needed. On the way to Target, we ran into of all things... a big Garage Sale. It would have been ridiculous to stop, so we did. Sister and I came to the realization a long time ago that we are indeed ridiculous. We both spotted these two great pieces of older furniture, a French Provincial desk and an adorable dresser. We don't need either one for ourselves, but they would sure add some panache to OUR sale. The owners were obviously eager to unload these pieces, so Sis and I offered them $40 for both and talked them into delivering them to us later in the day. Sister has a VW bug, remember. Furniture sells really well if you know what you're doing, and we do. The truth is that their crap makes our crap look even better. I'll post photos next week. You'll see that buying two large pieces of furniture when you're trying to unload a lifetime of junk makes perfect sense.

This weekend is more of the same. We clean and dust and fold and make our goods look nice. The more you prepare what you're selling, the more money you will make. If you take a stack of freshly laundered gently used bath towels, tie them up with satin ribbon and a bow and slap a price on them that is fair, they will be gone in a flash. We make everything look as nearly new as we can. I know that's not what most people do, but that's how Sister and I roll.

I'll keep you posted on our progress. We are so excited about getting all this stuff out of our lives and turning it into cash. But I think what we are looking forward to the most is making some space in our garages and houses. How else are we going to be able to go out to garage sales on Saturdays again? Out with the old stuff and in with the NEW old stuff! Yeah!

The Pretty Committee

I am so in love with HGTV and the whole DIY thing. I watch endless hours of TV that focus on making over ugly '70s houses and other neglected properties. The experts turn these places into chic, sophisticated homes that match the owner’s persona perfectly. The transformations are amazing.

It occurred to me the other day, while we were in the midst of our marathon photo shoot, that the same treatment should be given to people, especially us ladies. We sometimes get so busy with day to day life that we forget to spruce up or modernize our look. Just like well-built homes, we girls have “good bones” and all we need is an update. Let me get back to what happened with the models. We went on an extensive model search for “fluffier” girls who hopefully had some modeling experience. The plus-sized models world is very narrow and the same girls are used all the time. We wanted our own “dream team” of beauty-FULL models to represent LoveFifi.

The gorgeous six ladies who won out over the competition are extraordinary and have such amazing self-esteem. Even though most of them were first timers in front the camera, their confidence and femininity ignited their shots in a way that is indescribable. Imagine watching the most exquisite butterfly you have ever seen and there are fireworks exploding behind it in the sky. That’s what it felt like watching these lovelies express their inner and outer beauty in front of the camera.

You know I am very random, so please stick with me on this one. I am getting to the point. Before a model goes on set, she spends about 2 hours in hair and makeup. This was very exciting for my new models. For my straight size models, this is part of their professional day-to-day experience and they are privy to every beauty trick in the book. It’s just part of their lives. For my curvy girls, who are all very pretty, sitting in the makeup chair was like Disneyland. My beauty team, who I call The Pretty Committee, are the best in the business. Each and every one of my plus-sized girls was overwhelmed with the results which only added to their swagger when they stepped in front of the camera. Even though these girls were brimming with faith in themselves as women and were very comfortable with their bodies, they had never been polished up to their potential brilliance.

Ok, the point is coming... We all get so stuck in our routines that we don’t make time to upgrade our look. We leaf through magazines with all the new trends in hair and makeup in front of our faces and then put on our sweats, throw our hair in a ponytail, pop on our sunglasses and that’s as good as it gets. I am guilty it, too.

Only movie stars and celebrities have hair and makeup experts on staff. We regular girls have to be a little more resourceful. I am going to initiate a new movement and I hope all my ladies out there will be a part of it. It’s called DIYB... Do It Yourself, Baby.

First, take out older photos of yourself from 2,5,10 years ago. Do you still have the same hairdo? I did. We all buy makeup and hair products, how much of it do we only use once and eventually throw away?

Here’s where the DIYB starts. You can have your own Pretty Committee for very little money, or at least, money you would have spent anyway. Start getting the most out of it. The next time you go for a trim, ask the hairdresser if he/she were given the green light to do anything they wanted with your hair, what would they suggest? Assuming that you go to a contemporary salon and not one of those places that does that does shampoo-and-sets for blue-haired old ladies, you will probably get an answer worth listening to. Stylists have to keep up with the times and their suggestions are usually good. They also see you your beauty potential in a much different light than you do. Let them impart their expertise to you. They are the expert. Consider making a small change. Layers or bangs or some highlights are easy and can make an astonishing difference. If you never go to the hairdresser, spend a little money to go to a decent one every once in a while. And ask questions.

Is there anything more enticing than the makeup aisles Wal-Mart or Target? I am a big fan of drug store beauty products, but there is no one in those places who has a clue as to what would look good on you. Every department store in America has extensive beauty counters with smock-wearing makeup girls who are often employed not by the store, but by the makeup brand. They are trained to make women look better so that you will buy the products. They are at the ready to plunk you down on a stool and make you over. Let them! Ask for a hand mirror so you can look between every step. It doesn’t really matter which brand you choose. Look for the girl who you think looks the best and whose makeup is tastefully applied. Be careful not to get lassoed in by anyone who looks like a geisha, a call girl or a member of Kiss. Listen to every word. Watch every step. You'll have to buy something and my advice is to get a foundation (they are trained to match skin tones and the quality is very good) and/or a makeup primer (trust me, primer is too high tech for drug stores). Everything else can come from Walgreen's once you know what you need. Have her stroke a little blush on a tissue so you can match it later. If you don’t like the total result, come back another day and go to another brand. It’s basically a free service and besides, it’s fun.

And the last members of your own personal Pretty Committee are the people in your life. Please LISTEN to what they say when you have put all your new knowledge to work. It will happen and it feels so good.

My sweet mother never went out of the house without her “face” on. Her hair was always coiffed. She used to say that if you look good, you feel good. It’s true. How about a little DIYB? Are you in?

Just to get you going, I have printed photos of some of my new models when I met them, and after the experts got their hands on them. My butterflies...

Service Call

I had such an epiphany the other day. What made me "epiph", you ask? Well, let me tell you. I was out doing my errands over the weekend. I had to return a skirt that must have shrunk in the bag. I was at a discount store, so I didn’t expect to be pampered, but I don’t really return items that often so I forget how much fun it is not. I had to stand in a special line for returns only. The vibe is very different than when it’s your turn at the checkout line and you have a basket full of stuff and an American Express Card in a holster ready to swipe. You get asked “How are you?” and there are lots of smiles. Sometimes I even get compliments on my choices. Not so in the returns line. They remove your item from the bag and inspect it with a grimace. There are no smiles and no girlie small talk. The lady unfolded my skirt and asked why I returned it. I lied and said I changed my mind. That should be good enough. “Something wrong with it?”, she asked with a bit of an attitude. “No", I said politely, "I just changed my mind.” Good grief, I am returning a $19.99 skirt, not a flat screen TV. Do you think for a moment that I was going to tell her that is was too tight and the shade of brown made me look like a bran muffin?

Then I went to my manicure place. You would think I was Julia Roberts the way they greeted me. "Oh Miss Fifi!" "So nice to see you!" The owner began to fill up the foot tub for my spa pedicure and set the massage chair in the rotation I like. Roll... kneed... pound... and back to roll. I sat down and put my feet in the warm, perfumed water and relaxed. I was then offered a cup of tea and magazines. They made me feel special and it was good.

My next stop was that infamous giant department store that shall go nameless. The shopping experience there was less than warm and fuzzy. It should be a great place to shop because they have everything including groceries and a Starbucks. It’s an awful place to shop for many reasons, but allow me to target my comments exactly. There are only cashiers who actually work there. The red clad “associates” only cruise the aisles with their walkie-talkies to make you think that they are there to help you. If you can walk fast enough to ask one a question, they never have an answer. They think what you are looking for might be “over that-a-way” as they point randomly towards the other end of the store. Their feet never stop moving as you are chasing trying them to try to get some information. When you ask them too much, they get on the walkie-talkie with another associate and pretend they have a crisis in another department.

This is in sharp contrast to my grocery store that is part of a giant national chain. The focus group fairy must have hit food chains hard, because if you ask where something is, they drop what they are doing and escort you to the item. And when you check out at the check stand, the checker person always asks if you found everything you were looking for and then inquires if you will need any help to your car. No one at that other place would ever ask you that. There are no people to help so you manage the load by yourself and push the cart out the door. It’s not so bad, but then when the wheels lock when you are 50 feet from your car, it’s not so good, either.

Even the nice department stores make it hard to shop. There is no personalized service anymore and that seems strange to me. If my grocery store can personally take me to the sauerkraut, why isn’t there someone at Macy’s to help me with an outfit? What is wrong with this world? And now they ask you how you would like to receive your receipt? Printed, email or both? Really? Let me think... I already get enough email, and I want my carbon footprint reduced so paper is bad. How would I like to receive my receipt? How about they get a Caribbean steel drum band to deliver my purchase summary reggae style? THAT I would like.

On the way home I decided to treat myself to a Starbucks. I have a drive-thru one close to my home so I swooped on in for a latte. They are always so friendly and ready to make you happy. The kid on the other end of the intercom made me feel like he had been waiting for little ol' me to show up all day. I ordered my iced coffee and by the time I got to the window I couldn’t wait to meet the sweetie who had taken my order. We completed our transaction and he sent me off with a big smile. It makes paying 5 dollars for something I could have made at home for practically nothing worth every penny.

You just can’t make any sense out of customer service today. Some retailers think it is important and others don’t give a crap. I am old enough to remember a time when sales people and restaurant people knew the names of their customers. Now you wait on yourself most of the time and wait in line for the privilege of paying for it. It is no wonder that online shopping has caught on like wildfire. You don’t have to find a parking place or deal with people. If you need help there are FAQs to guide you and reviews from other shoppers to help along the way. You can shop 24 hours a day and you can do it naked if you feel like it.

Dog Days

Just in case you're wondering, I have pretty much recovered from the plague I had last week. I was sick the entire Memorial Day weekend, but it wasn't bad. I had lots of good quality time with my doggies, who never left my side.

Unless you haven't been listening, you know that I love dogs. Dogs are everywhere in my life and I could not live happily without them. As you also know, we all bring our dogs to work, here at LoveFifi.com, and it is fabulous. We have a big, two story building and the pups are allowed to be wherever they want, with whomever they want. There are dog beds and water bowls everywhere. This is a world I created and I couldn't love it more.

I live a happy life at home with my two babies. I am never lonely because they follow me wherever I go. What's funny is that when you are at the stage of life when your kids are gone, your dogs become your kids. I can't believe I said that, but it's true. Nothing is too good for my dogs. They sleep next to me at night. By the way, 42% of all dogs in the US sleep in bed with their owners. I have little dogs that weigh 5 pounds each, yet they still take up most of the bed.

I know I am perceived by some as a weird dog lady, but I actually wonder at times if I am a little peculiar. I dress my dogs and they look adorable. Listen, if it were odd to do so, then why are there so many places to buy cute dog clothes? Huh? I not only buy my dogs Christmas presents, but I buy gifts for the dogs of my friends. Before you throw stones at me, just know that 80% of all dog owners buy their pets gifts for holidays. And half of that number signs letters and cards from themselves and their pets. So if I am crazy, I am in good company. Speaking of crazy people, did you know that rock star Ozzie Osborne saved his wife Sharon's Pomeranian by tackling a coyote and wrestling it until it released the dog? Ozzie may be a little whack-a-doo to some people, but he is a hero to me.

The most popular names for male dogs are Jake and Max. For girl dogs it's Maggie and Molly. Although there is constant competition for the smallest and the largest dogs, 4" Boo Boo and Giant George are pretty amazing contenders. The oldest dog is said to be an Australian cattle dog who lived to be 29 1/2 years old which is equal to a human living to 160 years old.

My dogs are fantastic company and I couldn't be more content. Oh, I still date from time to time, but the best part of the evening is usually when I arrive home and my two doggies are doing the Happy Snoopy dance and are twirling around madly in circles at my feet. What man can compete with that?

And speaking of men and dogs, let me share something with you that was emailed to me. Made me smile. Oh, by the way, don't smile any big toothy grins around your dog. They interpret a show of teeth as a sign of aggression. Just thought I would share. Grrr...

Anyway, my girlfriend sent me this and I think it's really funny. Don't anyone get offended on me now or I will have to make these articles squeaking Disney clean. Even though I talk to my dogs in baby talk, we are grown ups here in Fifiland. Enjoy.

How Dogs and Men are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Neither one will ever tell you what's bothering them.

Both have inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

The Fifi Files - Part 1

I totally believe in giving back. If people don't share, the world doesn't go forward. The exchange of ideas and knowledge is critical to the advancement of all mankind. I believe with all my heart that if you possess expertise in any area of learning, you need to pass it on to others and let it filter down through the next generations. It is only through this process that humanity progresses and achieves.

I am dedicating this article to teaching you something that could very well be life changing. It is my honor and privilege to open your world to a subject dear to me, one that I have spent years compiling and testing. You all know that I am regarded as an expert in the field of foundations and intimate apparel. I am constantly educating my customers, readers, staff and anyone who will stand still long enough to listen on finding your proper bra size, how to look 10 lbs thinner and so on. But there is more to Miss Fifi than just knowing nearly everything about undies.

There is a deeper inquisitive side that has sent me on a quest where few have traveled and I am excited about sharing this wealth of information with you. Maybe what I know isn't going to impress any MENSA members or shake up the intellectual community, but I promise you that you will add my findings to your rich bank of knowledge and be pretty excited. Don't worry, what I am about to impart on you is not difficult to absorb. It's not like I have found a cure for a dreaded disease or am a computational biologist or an expert in analytic chemistry. I will gladly leave those fields to others, but I am thrilled to now teach you (DRUM ROLL!!)... 15 Fabulous Things You Can Do With Disposable Coffee Filters. Yes, I said coffee filters. Even if you don't drink coffee, you need to buy some. Good coffee filters are cheap, you get a ton of them in a package and they are made from 100% virgin paper. Ready to be amused and amazed?

1. You can use them to safely clean computer monitors, television screens and windows. They clean without leaving any residue or lint.

2. Place one atop the food you are microwaving. Works better than plastic wrap which is toxic and prevents splatter.

3. A coffee filter works like magic to de-silk corn on the cob. Just dampen the filter and swipe it once over the ear of corn.

4.When packing a sandwich to go, cut the sandwich in half and put both sides together. Wrap a filter around the halves like a taco shell and put in a zip-lock bag. The filter will keep the sandwich from sweating inside the plastic and it will taste like it was just made. I also wrap my celery and carrot sticks in filters before putting them in plastic. They stay dry and are deliciously crisp and fresh tasting.

5.One of my favorite uses is for quick snacks. I grab one, put my pretzels, popcorn or whatever and head for the TV. No dirty dishes and you can control portions.

6. To sprout flower seeds for planting, place in a dampened filter, fold in half and place in a zip-lock bag. It's like a mini hothouse.

7.To remove a spot from clothing, wet a filter with either hydrogen peroxide or white vinegar and rub over stain.

8. Use to wrap up glass Christmas balls for storage.

9.Poke a hole in the middle of a filter and put the stick end of a Popsicle through it. Great for kids!

10. Coffee filters work way better than cotton balls or tissues for removing nail polish.

11. Drain your bacon on coffee filters. They are cheaper and more efficient than paper towels.

12. Make your own bouquet garnis for soups and stews, flavor enhancers when brewing tea or sachets to place in your dresser drawers. Just place whatever spices, herbs or dried flowers in the center. Gather and tie with string in the middle for cooking or brewing and with ribbon for the sachets.

13. Apply your shoe polish using coffee filters. Use new ones to buff.

14. Filter your wine when the cork breaks apart.

15. If you still aren't wowed, take a look at the roses below. They were made for a wedding out of guess what? Coffee filters. Hand dyed with food coloring. Gorgeous.

My knowledge in this area is not just limited to the miracle of coffee filters. Stay turned next week for more tips from Miss Fifi.

View the tutorial Here.

Talking Dirty

A few weeks ago, I was organizing my utility closet and was astounded by the number of cleaning products that I owned. Honestly, with all the dirt busters that I had accumulated, my house should be spotless.

It didn’t take me long to realize that I was a victim of clever advertising. I had individual cleaners for windows, floors, walls, furniture, sinks, and toilets. I had “all purpose” cleaners, sprays to make my home smell fresh, foams for stains on the rugs, and liquids to clean my jewelry. Besides all this I had bottles and containers of cleansers to remove rust, mineral deposits, dust and grease. And of course, I had special potions for my stainless steel appliances and treated wipes for my granite counter tops. Ridiculous!

I don’t think of myself as a gullible person, but I had succumbed to the clever tricks of those Madison Avenue advertising agencies. Shame on me… I am smarter than that. My mother kept a clean house and all she had was vinegar, Clorox, Comet and Pine Sol. Sometimes she used lemons off our tree for cleaning, but I never paid much attention to what she did with them.

“I got a late start being Eco-friendly... I have some catching up to do.”

As I get older, I really crave a simpler life. I am also quite committed to being Eco-friendly. I got a late start on being ecologically sensible and am only getting credit from the '80s on, so I have some catching up to do.

As I looked at the endless supply of cleaning products I owned, I realized that all of these damn products must certainly not be good for the environment or me. I immediately sat down at the computer to get myself educated. When I learned what was in the products I used to clean, I was shocked. And you know what else? I learned that manufacturers do not have to list certain ingredients if they are part of their “secret formula”. Holy crap! Think of the poisons we don’t know about!

I learned a lot of great cleaning tips. First off, I learned what my mom was doing with all those lemons! Keep reading…

• 1. Use a half lemon and salt to clean even the most heavily discolored brass (real brass, not brass plated).
• 2. The same method can be used for copper such as copper bottoms of pots.
• 3. You can also shine up your chrome faucets or the chrome on older model cars with lemon and salt.
• 4. Diluted lemon juice not only cleans stains from cutting boards, but helps kill germs as well. Rub the juice full strength onto the stain and let sit until the stain fades. It can be left overnight, then rinsed well and dried. I did this on my butcher block and it was amazing!
• 5. Clean your microwave and remove odors. Place a cup 3/4 full of water with a couple tablespoons of lemon juice in the microwave. Heat to boiling. Don’t open the door for another 10 minutes. Then just wipe away food particles with a clean cloth and dry. This one is superb! And when you are done with this task, throw the rinds in the garbage disposal to freshen it up instantly.

The uses for distilled white vinegar are endless. I found great success in using straight vinegar in a spray bottle around doors and windows etc. to keep out ants. I will admit that the house smells a bit salad-y at first, but ants hate it and stay away. I feel a whole lot better about not using pesticides around my grandbabies and pets. Did you know that you can suck out the caustic smell in a freshly painted room by leaving a bowl of raw onions in the middle of the room overnight with the door closed? It works! I kid you not.

I found out that a cup of hydrogen peroxide in your washer whitens whites and brightens brights better than bleach and it doesn’t pollute. I was so impressed.

I am telling you, it was so exciting to get educated, but it wasn’t until I happened on one particular article that my life truly changed forever! I got so into natural cleaning products and living a non-toxic life that I almost bought a pair of Birkenstocks. I am glad I held off, because what I learned next was tailor made for me, Miss Fifi.

Did you know that one of the BEST natural cleaners you can use is vodka? I am not kidding. It is not only the most glamorous cleaning product imaginable, it has no fumes or VOCs ( Volatile Organic Chemicals).

Of course you can use cheap vodka, which makes it a very economical way to clean. It removes adhesives, stains (even red wine), cleans eyeglasses and chandeliers. Just put a towel down beneath the lighting fixture and spray the prisms with vodka. The towel catches the dirty drips and you don’t have to do anything else because it’s VODKA and it evaporates, leaving the crystals sparkling clean. I love it! You won’t believe the way vodka cleans your diamonds. Did you know that those spray products that make things smell better are super toxic? Just put vodka in a spray bottle and spritz your room. It’s fabulous! So there you have it. I hope you don’t mind me talking dirty to you. You are going to save so much money, but more importantly, you are doing it non-toxically.

I do have a question for those of you who have lived a “green“ life for a long time. When all is said and done and the time comes that they measure your carbon footprint for the life you’ve lived on earth, is it OK to wear high heels? Let me know, will you?

This Little Fifi Went To Market...

There is probably no task that I hate more than going to the grocery store. If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I will do is hire an assistant that goes to the market for me.

When I was raising a family, I took food shopping much more seriously than I do now. It was part of being the mama lion and nurturing my family and nobody did it better than I did. I used to shop with a shoebox full of carefully catalogued coupons. I was constantly clipping the cents-off coupons from every magazine and newspaper I could get my hands on.

On marketing day, I would spend hours going up and down the aisles stretching every dollar as far as I could. I often filled up two baskets to the brim. At the end, I turned in all my coupons and tried to guess what my savings would be. It was a game to me and I was good at it.

As I stood by the open tailgate of my “mom van” (yes, I had one of those, but please keep it to yourself) and watched the box person load bag after bag of discounted grocery items, I felt such pride. I stood there clutching my yards of register tape as triumphantly as if I had just won an Oscar.

I would spend hours going up and down the aisles stretching every dollar as far as I could.

Grocery shopping was a huge deal back in those days. It took the better part of a day to accomplish and you had to have an unstoppable rhythm. I also learned early on that your success as the household shopper had to have a set of stringent rules.

Rule #1 - You NEVER let your husband go with you. Despite the fact that he is good for any heavy lifting of 50lb. bags of dog kibble or the ginormous size laundry detergent, there is no amount of budgeting and coupon clipping that will offset what he sneaks into the basket. It does you no good to scrimp and save and wait for double coupon day, if you end up with garlic-stuffed cannonball olives, an extra large bag of beef jerky, and Macadamia nuts carefully concealed and then revealed at checkout. Men can’t help it, so leave them at home.

Rule #2 - Never ask if anyone needs or wants anything. When you shop with coupons and are a slave to sale items, no special requests. They get what’s on “special” and the fact that someone else is filling the cupboards for their eating pleasure is special enough. Let your family know not to fall in love with anything you bring home, because they might not get it again.

Rule #3 - If you are shopping for a lot of people, it’s a very tiring job. I believe that the shopper is entitled to at least one food favorite as a reward for all their good work. I love Fig Newtons and tried for years to find a hiding place that no one could discover. I sucked at it, because when I was ready to relax with a cup of tea and some Newtons a few days later, I would go to the hiding place in the kitchen to find an empty Nabisco package. Kids and husbands have food radar. I should have hidden them behind the ironing board or behind the folded sheets in the linen closet. Not a chance anyone in my family would have found them. You live and learn.

Those days are all behind me now. It’s just me and the dogs. Although I haven’t clipped a coupon in a long time, I still hate going to the store for a whole different reason. Now instead of calculating how much I am paying per ounce to get the best bargain, I calculate if I will be able to eat it or use it before I die.

I usually only make myself go to the store if there is nothing for my dogs to eat and/or there is no creamer for my coffee. Once I am there, I am THERE, so I just move down the aisles as fast as I can. There are no bargains for people who live alone. I don’t need a multi-pack of anything and I don’t want to carry it. I get the essentials, fruit, vegetables, English muffins, milk, eggs, Brie, wine, etc.

Nowadays you bring your own bags for the groceries. I am grateful I did the family shopping in the paper or plastic days or I would have to have brought a complete set of Samsonite. I keep my purchases down to a minimum because I like the convenience and speed of the 15 items or less lane. Nothing aggravates me more than people who abuse this. Often times there is still a line but I keep myself occupied by counting exactly how many items each person puts on the conveyer belt and plotting their death if they go over. It’s not the healthiest thinking, but it keeps me completely amused until it’s my turn.

By the way, don’t ever get talked into doing Self Checkout. It’s some kind of trick. First of all, it’s not that convenient or easy. The people who do it easily think they are so cool; they really think they are brilliant. If you look befuddled or don’t go fast enough, the Self Checkout “associate” comes around and flippantly pushes the start button and shows you how to swipe the bar code and then disappears. You start off fine and then you make the mistake of touching the bag at the wrong time and get scolded by some automated voice. I tried to do this before, but if you don’t do it quickly, the guy behind you in the flip flops with a 12 pack of Corona gets antsy and makes you nervous.

The last time I tried to do this, I bought some produce that was missing its sticker and I didn’t know how to continue. Out of nowhere comes the “associate” to help. I don’t know where the Self Checkout helpers fall in the hierarchy of grocery store employees, but these are not happy people. I described my produce problem and she gave me a look that clearly said “Moron!”, shrugged her shoulders, and pushed me out of the way. She made a clicking noise with her tongue while rolling her eyes in disgust. Then she whipped through several screens, pushed too many buttons and asked me for my debit card. She “helped” me complete my transaction and gathered up my bags abruptly, handed them to me and motioned towards the door. Then that brat actually told me to “enjoy the rest of my day”. If I was going to clean the garage for the balance of my day, it would be much more enjoyable than my experience with those people in what I now fondly refer to as “Self Righteous Checkout”.

I think I have let off enough steam for one day. Now I shall go relax with a nice cup of tea... and Fig Newtons.

Boobies 101

Whether you call them hooters, headlights, knockers, ta-tas, or whatever, the world is fascinated by breasts. I get enough mail on the subject to know that most women are not completely satisfied with their breasts and that most men adore breasts. Believe it or not, I get lots of mail from men who ask me questions about bras. These guys are completely involved in the bra buying duties for their women. And, no, these men are not buying bras for themselves. I know how to tell the difference and that is a whole different conversation. Obviously these gentlemen like the bras on their girls to look a certain way and do a specific job, so they do the buying. This is way more common than you might think. I have never had a man who wanted to buy bras for me, but I think it's kind of cute.

The best breasts on a woman are the ones that come with a healthy body.

If we go back in bosom history, nearly 100 years, we will see that women were always trying to figure out what to do with their breasts. In the early part of the 20th century, a woman's bust was always covered and minimized. Waists were featured, but never bosoms. They were kept safely hidden. Then came the roaring 20s and the notion that a round bustline got in the way of the straight silhouettes that dominated fashion. Boyish figures were all the rage and women actually flattened their bust lines by binding them. Then in the 30s, screen siren Jean Harlow changed the perception of female bosoms. It was thought in the era of silver screen that the perfect size breast would fit exactly into a champagne glass (we're talking the "old school" shallow type, not the long, skinny flutes they use now). In the 40s, bigger breasts took center stage in the movies thanks to Rita Hayworth and Jane Russell, and in the 1950s and someone decided that pointy breasts were the shape of the day. Bras had cups like missiles. The 60s and 70s went the other way completely. Natural breasts and the first seamless bras came into style, then no bras at all under clothing rocked fashion culture. The 80s and 90s flipped it back the other way. Big boobage and the pushed up look became big business. The advent of NFL cheerleaders in revealing costumes, Pam Anderson in her Baywatch swimsuit, and models in angel wings and padded push up bras set a whole new standard for breasts and breast size.

A crazy thing happened at the same time. Cleavage became appropriate for daytime. Showing off "the girls" became commonplace and quite accepted. The trend continues today. If you think I am kidding, go stand in front of a high school at 3 o'clock and watch the girl students come out. You will see as much cleavage coming out of class as you would see at a Las Vegas casino on Saturday night. How times have changed. When I was in high school, the girls had to get on their knees so that the principal could check to see if their skirt touched the floor. If it didn't, it was deemed too short and you were sent home. Thankfully, yours truly had mastered the fine art of rolling and unrolling a skirt faster than the speed of light, so I never got caught and I always looked sassy.

Big breasts are more popular now than ever. Ice-T loves Coco for more than her cooking. I will tell you proudly that I designed some of the first padded D and DD push up bras. It was assumed that large breasted girls don't want to look bustier. I know better. That's why I am Miss Fifi. Today we carry bras that enhance bust lines up to 44G.

So what are perfect breasts? The artistic standard (in case any of you ladies out there are thinking about a career as a breast model) is that ideal breasts don't have to be big, but they need to be full and luscious. The nipples should tilt slightly upwards towards the heavens. They should be just pendulous enough as to not be taut against the body. The litmus test to determine breast perfection is to place a pen or pencil under your naked breast. If the writing implement stays on its own, then consider your bosoms to be in the "perfect" category. I did this test myself some years ago. The pencil stayed put and I was pleased, but to this day I find it hard to return to Office Depot.

If you ask me about what makes breasts perfect, my answer is quite different. The best breasts on a woman are the ones that come with a healthy body. They are the ones that your sweetheart finds sexy, the ones that punctuate your womanly hourglass shape and, most importantly, the ones that cushion your children's heads when you hold them in your arms. To me, it doesn't matter if breasts are large or small, saggy or firm. And from the mail I get from husbands and boyfriends, they like all of them too.

Okay, so your breasts aren't perky anymore and they point closer to Dallas than heaven. It shouldn't matter. Besides, I have all kinds of great bras, pads, and tricks up my sleeve to create a fantastic bustline. Just write to me if you need help.

Next month is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I waited until the end to bring it up. This is not a commercial and I am not nagging, but for those of you in the recommended age group, please get your mammogram. No, it's not fun having your breasts squeezed by a cold machine while someone fully-clothed is demanding that you hold your breath. I was overdue for my yearly test and made an appointment this morning. I hate doing the monthly breast exams even though I teach how to do it. But I do all the precautionary things and you should too. Teach your partner to do the exam. He's probably an expert by now anyway.

I hope you enjoyed my little retrospect on the history of breasts in fashion. I am not just here to make you laugh. I am here to educate you and watch out for you whenever possible.

Until next time.

Fifi Tells All

I get questions everyday ranging from “what is charmeuse?”(it’s a drape-able satin) to “how can I get this boyfriend of mine to marry me?” I answer every letter myself, I swear. I do not have a big staff who pretends to be me. There is really only one Fifi. Anyway, there are certain questions that I get asked over and over again. So, I was thinking (I do this occasionally) how fun it would be to reveal the top 5 things that my readers just had to know. I hope you enjoy it and maybe learn something, too.

I think I'll do this David Letterman-style, so here goes!

FIFI'S 5 MOST ASKED QUESTIONS

5. Why do you sell plus size lingerie, but show it on little models?

The decision to photograph most of our styles on small size models is because if we like a style we will offer it in a full range of sizes, for example, in Small to 3X. Now, if we show it on a size 8 model, we are fairly sure a size 16 will have a pretty good idea of what it will look like on her. I, myself have been both a size 8 and a 16, so I would know. Now, would a size 6 girl be able to relate to what a garment looks like on a size 16? Studies show that the answer is clearly “no”. I get a lot of mail from ladies who are not happy that I don’t show very many big girls in our lingerie. Most of you know that I am not exactly built like a pixie, so if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me. You know I believe that numbers don’t count when it comes to being beautiful and sexy. It’s not about age and it’s not about weight, when it comes to real life. This is about displaying and presenting the product so it is understood by the consumer. If you don’t stop whining, I will start modeling this stuff myself and then you will be sorry!

4. How can I get my wife/ girlfriend to wear lingerie for me?

I get this one all the time. Usually they let me know that she has put on a few pounds, or has just had a baby, etc. etc... and these sweet guys always explain that they think their girl is beautiful and sexy even though she is not happy with her body at the moment. I always write back and ask them if they have told her what they just told me. I always suggest that they need to do more than just buy her a lace chemise and hope she gets the hint. I try to let them know that he wants to get her to dress for the romantic occasion, not wear lingerie for him. The experience benefits the both of them. If she has cold feet about wearing something sexy, then he needs to remind her that she is always beautiful to him. Arrange for some uninterrupted time with her. Turn off the TV, light some candles in the bedroom and arrange the bed so it is inviting. I gently suggest that he take a shower and put on his best boxers and then call her into the romantic setting he has created. Women are smart and they react positively to inspiration. I am proud to say that I have gotten some wonderful letters from men who followed my “recipe” and not only had a wonderful romantic interlude with their significant other, but learned a little about re-building self esteem.

“I get mail from ladies who are not happy that I don't show very many big girls in our lingerie.”

3. I am in an all-male play and I am portraying a woman. Can you help me order some under-things for the production?

Of course I can, but can you stop telling me silly stories? This is Miss Fifi. You don’t have to tell me that you are in a play or that you lost a bet with your buddies and have to dress like a woman for a week. I have heard it all and I don’t care. If you like to wear my beautiful things, that is good enough for me. So save for stories for someone else, Sweetie. Just tell me your “boy” sizes and we will get you everything you need. I love ALL my customers, darling. You should know that by now.

2. How do I measure for a bra?

Follow these simple directions.

Fifi’s Perfect Fit Bra Size Finder
Getting Started, You will need the following:

• A full-length mirror
• Tape measure (use the soft cloth or plastic covered cloth kind like seamstresses use. Don't use metal, plastic or paper tape measures.)
• Your best fitting, unpadded bra
• You can measure yourself, but for best results, have a friend help you (Put that boyfriend, husband or significant other to work)
• Time to Measure!

Measurement #1: Under The Bust First measure around your ribcage, directly under your bustline. The tape should be snug and must be absolutely straight in the back. Use your mirror or your helper to ensure this. If you come up with a half measurement, like 32 1/2, round UP (in this case, to 33). If you measure between a whole number and a fraction, for example between 32" and 32 1/2", round DOWN (in this case, to 32). This is your frame size. Write it down.

Measurement #2: Across The Bust Stand up very straight. Measure at the widest part of your bustline, over the nipples. The measurement should be relaxed, not snug. Again, be sure the tape is straight across the back. If you come up with a fractional measurement, under 1/2", round down. If you measure 1/2" or more, round up. This is your cup size. Write it down.

Now... subtract your step 1 number from your step 2 number. If the difference is

• Up to 1" larger: A cup
• Up to 2" larger: B cup
• Up to 3" larger: C cup
• Up to 4" larger: D cup
• Up to 5" larger: DD cup
• Up to 6" larger: F cup
• Up to 7" larger: FF cup
• Up to 8" larger: G cup

Remember: every body and bustline are different. Measuring correctly may give you your size immediately, but sometimes there are conditions that affect your fit. If you answer "Yes" to any of the questions below, it is best to write me at fifi@lovefifi.com, and be sure to include your measurements and an explanation of your particular fit problems.

• Are you shorter than 5'2" or taller than 5'9"?
• Do you have an athletic or muscular build?
• Are your breasts set wide apart?
• Are your breasts different sizes?
• Are your breasts elongated, or do they appear "empty"?
• Do you like to wear your bras to fit loose around your rib cage?

You can also refer to my Easy-Peasy Measuring Intstructions, if you need a visual.

1. What is the difference between a thong and a G-String?

Believe it or not, these are the most confusing garments in the world of intimate apparel. A G-STRING was created in the early part of the 20th century for use in burlesque. It is basically a triangle of cloth with a string around the waist joined by one that runs up the back. Its sole purpose is frontal coverage with as little in the back as possible. The THONG, conceived in the early 70s, was created at a time when a perky bottom and "no panty lines" were big fashion news. A thong is similar to a G-String in front, but the back is wider and it is tapered and contoured to round out the behind.

Bathing Suit Blues

Next week summer officially begins. It's time to get out last year's bathing suit and see if the fat has shifted. People from England call bathing suits "swimming costumes", which I think is a much more appropriate term. I don't really feel any less freakish wearing a yard of spandex on a hot day than I would if I were to put on a Wonder Woman outfit to go to the market. But the truth is, I love the beach. I love pools. Swimming feels so wonderful and free. I just wish you could do it in sweats without drowning from the weight.

It is possible that I am being too hard on myself. I don't want to give up the dream of having just one more summer as a bathing beauty, but I have to face the fact that the last time I felt great in a swimsuit, Bill Clinton was president. It's not like I have really high standards. I don't expect to look like the models in Sports Illustrated. I just want to be somewhere between Baywatch and whale watch. I try to be comfortable in a bathing suit, but until they make one with a matching blazer, I will never feel really good.

Bathing suit season sounds good on paper, but the reality is that unless you have a pretty good body, it can be hell. With all other clothing you can hide the bad parts of your figure, but swimwear is way trickier. As you know, I am an expert on the subject of creative dressing, but even the great guru of underwear can't figure out how to hide much of anything under such a small amount of fabric, even if it is stretchy. Look... the goal is to put on the smallest, briefest garment that a woman wears in public and make it look good. You all know that adage about trying to put 10lbs of potatoes in a 5lb bag. That's not easy, but nothing is impossible. I knew instinctively that my swimsuit fashion tricks had to be the best ever published in the history of mankind.

So if you find yourself in the same dilemma with summer vacation season upon us, here are some REAL fashion tips that will make you feel better about donning your swim wear:

1. 1. As soon as you get to the beach, find a person who is fatter than you and park your towel so that you can see them the whole time. If a bikini girl with 5% body fat prances by, look at the chubby person right away to ground yourself and bring you back to what is real and genuine.
2. Wear sunglasses and a hat with the biggest brim you can find. It is actually possible that people will think that the hat is casting a huge shadow on your body, making you appear fat, which, of course, you are not.
3. If you have kids and/or a dog, that is perfect! Take them with you whenever you plan to be wearing a bathing suit. When that moment arises that you feel like taking a dip, stand up quickly, hug a kid firmly on each side of you (this creates a slimming effect) then bolt towards the ocean. Dogs get excited and usually zigzag all around in goofy anticipation of family fun and divert the onlookers’ eyes away from your ass while you are making your way to the water.

So, there you go! This is all the fashion advice you will need this summer when it comes to bathing suits.

One more thing – and this is important. When you are wearing a swimsuit, THINK thin. It helps a lot. The "think it, be it" philosophy works. And here's the good news, neither beaches nor swimming pools have mirrors!