Titillating Conversation Part 2

Okie dokie, my darlings... we are gathered here today, in the presence of hopefully no one, to figure out more about your breasts and your bra size. I am assuming that you are sitting at the computer in your best-fitting, unpadded bra. If you have a husband or best friend to help you with the measuring part, it's not a bad idea. If you don't, I will be with you every step of the way.

Let's Measure!

Now that you have written down your numbers and checked the graph for your cup size, how many of you are spitting and sputtering at me on the computer? Many times when I measure someone, she is in disbelief at what size I recommend. It's not until I get women in the right bra that they become believers.

As you all know, bras come in a lot of sizes. Manufacturers like to scale down what they make so a lot of women fit the cups and don't pay attention to the fact that they are buying a bra that is too big around. Or worse yet, they fit their band size and let lots of breast spill over. Neither is a good thing.

How would you like it if some shoe manufacturers decided to just make sizes 6, 8, and 10. A bunch of us would be forced to squish our feet into shoes that are too small or slop around in ones that are too big. That's kind of what the bra industry does to ladies and that's why you need to know what size you are in my Perfect Fifi Bra World.

A dear friend of mine who is tallish and enviably slender let me measure her a few years back. I told her that she was not the 34B or 32C she thought she was. As it turned out, she measured as a 30D or possibly a 30DD in some styles. Of course she had never heard of those sizes, but I assured her that they DO exist. She actually was close with the 32C when she could find them, but herein lies the problem: The cups on a 32C and a 30D are exactly the same, but where they are sewn onto the band is different. The 30D placed the cups precisely where her breasts are located on her body.

The size she needs is available, but not as easily. They don't carry it at Target or Wal-Mart or even Macy's. But there is this wonderful thing called the Internet (where you will find LoveFifi.com) that can help you find more custom sizes. Finding your true size is not only infinitely more comfortable, but also does fantastic things for your figure. I will help you find the style and size of bra that you need no matter where I have to look. If we don't have it, maybe I can order it special just for you. If some other retailer has what you need, I will give you the information.

After we calculate your size, there is a little more to it. Your height and build can have an impact on a good bra fit. Doing the numbers can give you your perfect bra size, but sometimes it just gets you in "the neighborhood". It's a good start, however, and that's where I come in. Write to me. Tell me about your build. I want to know what you have trouble with, what you like in a bra and what you don't like. If you wear a particular bra regularly please tell me what it is. Style numbers and manufacturer info will help.

I am here for my ladies... and my guys, too, so let's talk. If you cross dress or are transsexual, I can help you find your dream bra. Don't be shy, any of you. I am here with an open mind and open arms. I have worked with cancer victims for years and can help with the dilemmas associated with losing a breast or breasts or finding a bra after a lumpectomy.

I look forward to hearing from you. Send me those numbers!

Titillating Conversation

I am very proud to say that I have long been considered an expert in the field of bras. This is both a point of pride and a curse all at the same time. No matter what I do or where I go, I look at women's breasts. I have to do it discreetly, of course, but I can't help it. So many women wear bras that are the wrong size, the wrong type for their body or too old to do their bustlines any good. Often times it is all the above.

For decades, I have been involved in changing all that, one set of boobies at a time. Once women know what I do, they tell me their bra woes no matter where we are having the conversation. Often they will pull their blouses up to their neck so I can get a first hand look at the problem. I have done bra critiques in elevators, hotel hallways and hundreds of Ladies' Rooms. I carry a tape measure always so I can do my bra missionary work at a moment's notice. Women are so grateful for my advice and recommendations.

I often will hear from them afterwards when they have followed my instructions as to the right bra and the right SIZE. I have been told that the experience was "life changing". It feels so good every time I add a new girl to my Fifi flock. The work I do is not extraordinary. It's what I do and I do it well, but I am not the Mother Theresa of my field, by any means. I am more of the Richard Simmons of bras. I get my followers motivated to find the support and shape they need to feel prettier and much of the time look thinner. I give women confidence and comfort with their bodies and that makes me very happy.

It is estimated that 75% of females are buying the wrong size bra. It's at least that much. I see it every day and I just want to go up to these poor ladies and whisk them away to the nearest broom closet and see what monstrosity they are wearing under their clothes.

I can't do that, of course, but I can certainly make sure that all my Fifi readers get educated. You see, my sweethearts, this is not your fault. The way stores merchandise bras these days is an atrocity. If you are not buying your bras from me, you have to "wing it" in the lingerie department. You must struggle through rack after congested rack of bras, all the while wrestling with those nasty little plastic hangers to look for what you think is your size. It's not fun.

Back in the Stone Age when I got my first bra,the Bra Department was a beautiful place with walls of built -in drawers that kept all the stock neatly nested in tissue, organized by size. A lovely and knowledgeable woman probably named Helen or Beatrice measured you, assessed your frame and then opened up each drawer with your size in it and made suggestions as to style. Then you tried them on and she came in and adjusted the back and the straps. When was the last time you tried on a bra in a department store? If you answered never, you are not alone. You'd try on a dress or a pair of shoes before you bought it, but rarely a bra. Here's where the problem lies and here's what we are going to do.

I am sending you all to Miss Fifi's Bra Academy. I want you all to meet me back here next week wearing your best fitting unpadded bra. You will need to bring something to write with and some paper. I am going to educate you, measure you, fit you and teach you the warning signs of an ill-fitting bra. After you learn the ins, outs, ups and downs of finding the right bra you will be forever looking at other women and noticing every bad bra in town. I told you it was a curse, but then you can help your circle of "sisters" get into a bra that does their body a big favor. And there is a BONUS to attending my short course next week. I will give you my personal contact information so we can talk. You give me the numbers and I will figure out your figure personally.

Next Saturday... same time, same place. Don't forget the tape measure! You need the cloth "seamstress" type, not the one from the garage.

Boobies 101

Whether you call them hooters, headlights, knockers, ta-tas, or whatever, the world is fascinated by breasts. I get enough mail on the subject to know that most women are not completely satisfied with their breasts and that most men adore breasts. Believe it or not, I get lots of mail from men who ask me questions about bras. These guys are completely involved in the bra buying duties for their women. And, no, these men are not buying bras for themselves. I know how to tell the difference and that is a whole different conversation. Obviously these gentlemen like the bras on their girls to look a certain way and do a specific job, so they do the buying. This is way more common than you might think. I have never had a man who wanted to buy bras for me, but I think it's kind of cute.

The best breasts on a woman are the ones that come with a healthy body.

If we go back in bosom history, nearly 100 years, we will see that women were always trying to figure out what to do with their breasts. In the early part of the 20th century, a woman's bust was always covered and minimized. Waists were featured, but never bosoms. They were kept safely hidden. Then came the roaring 20s and the notion that a round bustline got in the way of the straight silhouettes that dominated fashion. Boyish figures were all the rage and women actually flattened their bust lines by binding them. Then in the 30s, screen siren Jean Harlow changed the perception of female bosoms. It was thought in the era of silver screen that the perfect size breast would fit exactly into a champagne glass (we're talking the "old school" shallow type, not the long, skinny flutes they use now). In the 40s, bigger breasts took center stage in the movies thanks to Rita Hayworth and Jane Russell, and in the 1950s and someone decided that pointy breasts were the shape of the day. Bras had cups like missiles. The 60s and 70s went the other way completely. Natural breasts and the first seamless bras came into style, then no bras at all under clothing rocked fashion culture. The 80s and 90s flipped it back the other way. Big boobage and the pushed up look became big business. The advent of NFL cheerleaders in revealing costumes, Pam Anderson in her Baywatch swimsuit, and models in angel wings and padded push up bras set a whole new standard for breasts and breast size.

A crazy thing happened at the same time. Cleavage became appropriate for daytime. Showing off "the girls" became commonplace and quite accepted. The trend continues today. If you think I am kidding, go stand in front of a high school at 3 o'clock and watch the girl students come out. You will see as much cleavage coming out of class as you would see at a Las Vegas casino on Saturday night. How times have changed. When I was in high school, the girls had to get on their knees so that the principal could check to see if their skirt touched the floor. If it didn't, it was deemed too short and you were sent home. Thankfully, yours truly had mastered the fine art of rolling and unrolling a skirt faster than the speed of light, so I never got caught and I always looked sassy.

Big breasts are more popular now than ever. Ice-T loves Coco for more than her cooking. I will tell you proudly that I designed some of the first padded D and DD push up bras. It was assumed that large breasted girls don't want to look bustier. I know better. That's why I am Miss Fifi. Today we carry bras that enhance bust lines up to 44G.

So what are perfect breasts? The artistic standard (in case any of you ladies out there are thinking about a career as a breast model) is that ideal breasts don't have to be big, but they need to be full and luscious. The nipples should tilt slightly upwards towards the heavens. They should be just pendulous enough as to not be taut against the body. The litmus test to determine breast perfection is to place a pen or pencil under your naked breast. If the writing implement stays on its own, then consider your bosoms to be in the "perfect" category. I did this test myself some years ago. The pencil stayed put and I was pleased, but to this day I find it hard to return to Office Depot.

If you ask me about what makes breasts perfect, my answer is quite different. The best breasts on a woman are the ones that come with a healthy body. They are the ones that your sweetheart finds sexy, the ones that punctuate your womanly hourglass shape and, most importantly, the ones that cushion your children's heads when you hold them in your arms. To me, it doesn't matter if breasts are large or small, saggy or firm. And from the mail I get from husbands and boyfriends, they like all of them too.

Okay, so your breasts aren't perky anymore and they point closer to Dallas than heaven. It shouldn't matter. Besides, I have all kinds of great bras, pads, and tricks up my sleeve to create a fantastic bustline. Just write to me if you need help.

Next month is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I waited until the end to bring it up. This is not a commercial and I am not nagging, but for those of you in the recommended age group, please get your mammogram. No, it's not fun having your breasts squeezed by a cold machine while someone fully-clothed is demanding that you hold your breath. I was overdue for my yearly test and made an appointment this morning. I hate doing the monthly breast exams even though I teach how to do it. But I do all the precautionary things and you should too. Teach your partner to do the exam. He's probably an expert by now anyway.

I hope you enjoyed my little retrospect on the history of breasts in fashion. I am not just here to make you laugh. I am here to educate you and watch out for you whenever possible.

Until next time.