Dog Days

Just in case you're wondering, I have pretty much recovered from the plague I had last week. I was sick the entire Memorial Day weekend, but it wasn't bad. I had lots of good quality time with my doggies, who never left my side.

Unless you haven't been listening, you know that I love dogs. Dogs are everywhere in my life and I could not live happily without them. As you also know, we all bring our dogs to work, here at LoveFifi.com, and it is fabulous. We have a big, two story building and the pups are allowed to be wherever they want, with whomever they want. There are dog beds and water bowls everywhere. This is a world I created and I couldn't love it more.

I live a happy life at home with my two babies. I am never lonely because they follow me wherever I go. What's funny is that when you are at the stage of life when your kids are gone, your dogs become your kids. I can't believe I said that, but it's true. Nothing is too good for my dogs. They sleep next to me at night. By the way, 42% of all dogs in the US sleep in bed with their owners. I have little dogs that weigh 5 pounds each, yet they still take up most of the bed.

I know I am perceived by some as a weird dog lady, but I actually wonder at times if I am a little peculiar. I dress my dogs and they look adorable. Listen, if it were odd to do so, then why are there so many places to buy cute dog clothes? Huh? I not only buy my dogs Christmas presents, but I buy gifts for the dogs of my friends. Before you throw stones at me, just know that 80% of all dog owners buy their pets gifts for holidays. And half of that number signs letters and cards from themselves and their pets. So if I am crazy, I am in good company. Speaking of crazy people, did you know that rock star Ozzie Osborne saved his wife Sharon's Pomeranian by tackling a coyote and wrestling it until it released the dog? Ozzie may be a little whack-a-doo to some people, but he is a hero to me.

The most popular names for male dogs are Jake and Max. For girl dogs it's Maggie and Molly. Although there is constant competition for the smallest and the largest dogs, 4" Boo Boo and Giant George are pretty amazing contenders. The oldest dog is said to be an Australian cattle dog who lived to be 29 1/2 years old which is equal to a human living to 160 years old.

My dogs are fantastic company and I couldn't be more content. Oh, I still date from time to time, but the best part of the evening is usually when I arrive home and my two doggies are doing the Happy Snoopy dance and are twirling around madly in circles at my feet. What man can compete with that?

And speaking of men and dogs, let me share something with you that was emailed to me. Made me smile. Oh, by the way, don't smile any big toothy grins around your dog. They interpret a show of teeth as a sign of aggression. Just thought I would share. Grrr...

Anyway, my girlfriend sent me this and I think it's really funny. Don't anyone get offended on me now or I will have to make these articles squeaking Disney clean. Even though I talk to my dogs in baby talk, we are grown ups here in Fifiland. Enjoy.

How Dogs and Men are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Neither one will ever tell you what's bothering them.

Both have inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

Sick Isn't For Sissies

Today is Thursday. I almost always put my brain meanderings into words on Thursdays to get them to you on Saturdays. I "marinate" on my topic throughout the week and put it all to bed on Thursday. The problem with this Thursday is that I am trying to put my article to bed in bed.

I am sick. Nothing terrible, just some kind of bug that my flu shot doesn't cover. The angst associated with feeling crappy comes not from the fact that I couldn't muddle through at the office when I have the flu, but it isn't fair to make everybody else sick, so I stayed at home and am working from my bed. I want you to get the mental image before I continue.

You know how in those 1940s movies when the lovely lady of the house was under the weather, you saw her propped up in her grand poster bed on sumptuous satin pillows with gorgeous bed linens covering her up to her lap. She was often catching up on her correspondence using a bed tray as a desk and wearing a stunning satin bed jacket. Her hair was coiffed to perfection. The maid would often times bring her tea and then fluff those sumptuous pillows before asking if Madame needed anything else to make her comfortable. The maid would then announce that Dr. McMurphy should be arriving any minute to look after the ailing lady of the house. Get the picture? It's nothing like that here.

My bedding is very nice and fluffy, but my two dogs are blanket and pillow hogs and I am lucky they share at all. There are no bed trays in sight, but there are at least 4 glasses on my side table that have accumulated since I took ill last evening. Add to that the array of cough drops, DayQuil, NyQuil, Kleenex and a box of Wheat Thins. I can never get that "feed a cold, starve a fever" thing straight, so I like to be prepared. I am not wearing a satin bed jacket. I have on a Dr. Seuss "Cat in the Hat " t-shirt and yoga pants. My hair is as far from coiffed as you can get with random bits sticking straight up. Dr. McMurphy won't be stopping by the house to treat me, but I did call my doctor this morning to try to get some help with fighting this crud. He can see me next Tuesday at 3:45p.m. The nurse apologized, but reminded me that it was the Memorial Day weekend. Of course it is. When else would I get sick but right before a three day weekend?

I have spent the day feeling awful, watching stupid things on TV and trying to figure out what in the hell I was going to write about today. My readers mean everything to me and I hate disappointing you ever. So instead, I dragged you along to my pity party. We are in this relationship through good and bad, sickness and health... right?

Hopefully I will feel better shortly and next week will be much more fun for everybody. Right now, I am going a little stir crazy and am considering going downstairs to the patio and breathing some fresh air. I am torn, because the dogs will move into my warm spot and I will have to jockey for a place to lie down when I return. Nah... I'll just stay in bed. If I go downstairs, guilt will compel me to carry some of these drinking glasses to the kitchen. It might be the fever but I think my maid should be here any moment.

Hot Mama

It is only May and the weather here in Los Angeles is already steamy. It’s pushing into the 90s and I am not happy about it. I am a pretty poor excuse for a California girl because I just hate being hot. Don’t misunderstand; I am hot in the sexy way, at least for someone in my age bracket. My dry cleaner and my veterinarian still think I am a hottie, but they are not that young either, so I don’t know what that makes me. Since I am not a 40 year old, the cougar train left my station years ago. If anyone knows the answer to this, please let me know. Anyway, back to the weather.

I am not a sun worshiper. Anything over 80 degrees is too hot for me. I love fall to spring, but then comes summer, which seems to start earlier and earlier where the heat is concerned. It is also the season for weddings and graduations. If you have never sat in the torturous sun waiting through 300 graduates until your nephew, Zachary Zimmerman, collected his diploma, you haven’t lived. And those summer weddings are a delight. The community church (built in 1925) filled to the rafters with polyester-clad friends and relatives radiating enough heat to launch a rocket. Good times.

My dislike for being hot has intensified as I have gotten older. Hormone changes, global warming and the fact that I have gotten crankier has made it worse. I sweat in places that are unmentionable. My baby fine hair makes every day a bad hair day. Any attempt to use make-up in the heat usually melts down to a look somewhere between a raccoon and Marilyn Manson by the day's end. And let’s not even discuss the time it takes for all the extra grooming! Shaving your legs and armpits, pumicing your feet and of course, you can’t run around looking pale in the summer; you must look tan! I am pasty white, so instant tanner is my only choice. Granted, these products have gotten infinitely better in recent years, but it’s just another step to getting ready that I don’t love. I am getting really good at putting one leg at a time on top the toilet seat and foaming each leg with instant bronzer and rubbing it on evenly. The effect is very natural and worth the trouble. I always remember to wash my hands immediately so I don’t have tan hands. I never do this job naked anymore, however, because I nearly had a heart attack several summers ago when I removed my nightgown one morning before showering only to see that both of my breasts had sinister brown patches on them. I was horrified! What terrible disease had I contacted? Upon further examination in the mirror, I remembered that I had put on “fake bake” the day before and now portions of my breasts matched my legs.

When I was a youngster, we didn’t have central air for most of my childhood years. There were two window units that you had to stand right in front of to cool off. And I did. I also ran through the sprinklers every day, all day. I slept with damp towels over my body with the fan blowing on me. We finally got AC throughout the house, but just as Scarlett O”Hara swore she would never be poor again, I made the same kind of commitment to myself as far as being hot. In the summer months, my home is “movie theater” cool all the time. I pay the power company extra all winter so that my summer air conditioning bills don’t kill me. The offices AND THE WAREHOUSE at LoveFifi.com are completely air conditioned. I made our landlord spend $20,000 dollars before we would sign our lease when it was discovered that the air conditioning stopped at the warehouse area. Nobody is going to be hot in Fifi’s world. Can you imagine that he thought it was OK for the offices to be cool in the summer, but not the warehouse where my people are schlepping cartons and pulling orders and doing the real work? It was not going to happen.

The perils of summer are not completely about the high temperatures, but also what happens when it’s hot. I have written before about my phobia of un-pedicured feet in sandals. I think there should be a law that makes it a crime to expose ugly calloused feet to the world. There are more affordable nail salons than there are Starbucks, so there is really no excuse. Pretty feet on women are a sexy accessory. The polishes come in amazing colors. Sandals are definitely one thing I really like about the warm weather. Summer is not only the traditional time for backyard parties and bar-b-ques (love!) it is the annual celebration of people that wear shorts who shouldn’t. You don’t have to be thin to look good in shorts, but if you have legs that have more dimples than the Osmonds or appear to have a road map of Texas tattooed on them, perhaps capri pants might be a better look. Let’s keep America beautiful!

For now, I look forward to going from my air conditioned building to my air conditioned car to my air conditioned house to beat this heat wave. Some relief should be around the corner soon. June Gloom, can you hear me calling?

The Fifi Files - Part 1

I totally believe in giving back. If people don't share, the world doesn't go forward. The exchange of ideas and knowledge is critical to the advancement of all mankind. I believe with all my heart that if you possess expertise in any area of learning, you need to pass it on to others and let it filter down through the next generations. It is only through this process that humanity progresses and achieves.

I am dedicating this article to teaching you something that could very well be life changing. It is my honor and privilege to open your world to a subject dear to me, one that I have spent years compiling and testing. You all know that I am regarded as an expert in the field of foundations and intimate apparel. I am constantly educating my customers, readers, staff and anyone who will stand still long enough to listen on finding your proper bra size, how to look 10 lbs thinner and so on. But there is more to Miss Fifi than just knowing nearly everything about undies.

There is a deeper inquisitive side that has sent me on a quest where few have traveled and I am excited about sharing this wealth of information with you. Maybe what I know isn't going to impress any MENSA members or shake up the intellectual community, but I promise you that you will add my findings to your rich bank of knowledge and be pretty excited. Don't worry, what I am about to impart on you is not difficult to absorb. It's not like I have found a cure for a dreaded disease or am a computational biologist or an expert in analytic chemistry. I will gladly leave those fields to others, but I am thrilled to now teach you (DRUM ROLL!!)... 15 Fabulous Things You Can Do With Disposable Coffee Filters. Yes, I said coffee filters. Even if you don't drink coffee, you need to buy some. Good coffee filters are cheap, you get a ton of them in a package and they are made from 100% virgin paper. Ready to be amused and amazed?

1. You can use them to safely clean computer monitors, television screens and windows. They clean without leaving any residue or lint.

2. Place one atop the food you are microwaving. Works better than plastic wrap which is toxic and prevents splatter.

3. A coffee filter works like magic to de-silk corn on the cob. Just dampen the filter and swipe it once over the ear of corn.

4.When packing a sandwich to go, cut the sandwich in half and put both sides together. Wrap a filter around the halves like a taco shell and put in a zip-lock bag. The filter will keep the sandwich from sweating inside the plastic and it will taste like it was just made. I also wrap my celery and carrot sticks in filters before putting them in plastic. They stay dry and are deliciously crisp and fresh tasting.

5.One of my favorite uses is for quick snacks. I grab one, put my pretzels, popcorn or whatever and head for the TV. No dirty dishes and you can control portions.

6. To sprout flower seeds for planting, place in a dampened filter, fold in half and place in a zip-lock bag. It's like a mini hothouse.

7.To remove a spot from clothing, wet a filter with either hydrogen peroxide or white vinegar and rub over stain.

8. Use to wrap up glass Christmas balls for storage.

9.Poke a hole in the middle of a filter and put the stick end of a Popsicle through it. Great for kids!

10. Coffee filters work way better than cotton balls or tissues for removing nail polish.

11. Drain your bacon on coffee filters. They are cheaper and more efficient than paper towels.

12. Make your own bouquet garnis for soups and stews, flavor enhancers when brewing tea or sachets to place in your dresser drawers. Just place whatever spices, herbs or dried flowers in the center. Gather and tie with string in the middle for cooking or brewing and with ribbon for the sachets.

13. Apply your shoe polish using coffee filters. Use new ones to buff.

14. Filter your wine when the cork breaks apart.

15. If you still aren't wowed, take a look at the roses below. They were made for a wedding out of guess what? Coffee filters. Hand dyed with food coloring. Gorgeous.

My knowledge in this area is not just limited to the miracle of coffee filters. Stay turned next week for more tips from Miss Fifi.

View the tutorial Here.

Rich Girl

I never told you, but I am rich. I don’t have tons of money, but I do have some of the best jokes and funny sayings in the world rattling around in my head. I have such respect for all things clever that when I hear something good, I always remember it. People think I am a fabulous conversationalist and quite hilarious because I love to slip in these pearls of wisdom whenever I can. You see, I have the whole world writing my material for me, so how could I sound anything but brilliant?

I have a collection of great “one-liners” that I pull out of my mental filing cabinet. I have no idea who really came up with these gems, because if I did, I would give them due credit. But since most of my favorites are author-less, I will just share them so all of us can enjoy and LAUGH and feel good. Socrates and Plato were great philosophers, but some pretty great stuff has come from just regular folks like us.

• Some days are a waste of make-up
• Learn from the mistakes of others. We can’t live long enough to make them all ourselves.
• If you are too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• If you must choose between 2 evils, pick the one you’ve never done before.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the vacation.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
• Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
• Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Are you smiling? I hope so. Did you know that humans are the only creatures on earth who can laugh? It's true. Do it often

BIG NEWS!

I recently lost some weight and everyone noticed, but not in the way I expected. It’s very different when you are 20-something and drop noticeable poundage. People assume it is vanity, or a big occasion or a reckless life style or a new man. When we get into our mid-30s through our 40s, we ladies fight the battles of a slower metabolism, hormonal changes, raising families and demanding careers that can pack on pounds. If you lose weight at this age, it can be credited to midlife crisis, finding yourself and making room for “me” time or being back in the dating game after a divorce.

Now if you are over 50, like yours truly, it’s a whole different ball game. I dropped some weight on purpose and the responses were so odd. A man friend who I have known for over 30 years, noticed immediately and gave me a congratulatory hug for my new look. But he ruined it all by adding that it will be easier for me to attract a man now that I am thinner. I was speechless. First of all, I was always proportionate and curvy. I am still built the same way only a bit smaller. Secondly, I have never had a minute’s problem attracting men no matter what my size or age. And to be brutally honest, attracting a man in my age group doesn't have as much to do with figure shape and beauty as it does with the ability to have stimulating conversations and enjoy common interests. And if a girl can cook and has ESPN, you are a virtual goddess.

I next encountered an acquaintance that threw her arms around me and whispered softly words that I never expected to hear. “Are you well, darling? I hope it’s nothing serious”. Good grief! She thought I was sick. She evidently has no idea how sick I would have to be to not be interested in eating. I am trying to think about that last statement and come up with an answer. Let’s see… how ill would I have to be to not want to eat? Unconscious is all I can come up with.

Only last week I ran into one of my neighbors who I had not seen for a while. She was quite surprised to see a smaller me. “Look at you! So how’s your business doing, honey?” she inquired with a concerned look on her face. Not “You look great”, or “You look younger” or healthier or anything close. She thought maybe I lost weight because I was so stressed out because the business was failing or I didn’t have money for groceries or some other ridiculous thought. “Everything is great. The business is doing wonderfully well, but thanks for asking”, I replied.

For the record, I lost weight for two reasons. My doctor nags me all the time about 15 or 20 lbs. I never hear the end of it. If I go see him because my knee hurts, it’s because I am too fat. If I am having trouble sleeping at night, it’s because I am too fat. If I have bronchitis, he tells me I’m too fat as he is writing out the prescription for Amoxicillin. It’s always the same no matter what I am there for. The second reason is that I decided it would be better for me all around if I lost a few pounds and actually fit into the clothes I own.

I have always been a curvy girl and I have always been happy with me. Maybe I was before my time, but I never felt compelled to diet into a size 6. The last time I was a size 6, I was 6. Been there, done that. Now I live in my size 14 world with great conviction.

I was something of a pioneer in my industry when it came to the plus sized body. I designed lingerie for the fuller figure decades ago. As you know, we have a fantastic array of plus size merchandise on LoveFifi.com. As a matter of fact, we are currently re-photographing our entire plus department on plus sized models. Yeah!

This girl has always been comfortable with being in the double digit size range my entire adult life. I have never been, or wanted to be, skinny and I have done a fine job of that never happening. There are times when I want to weigh less, but I preserve my curves and remain proud. When you’re beauti-FULL, as I call it, you have to have a thick skin to go along with your thicker figure. I don’t even mind some of the jokes. What is it called when fat people go skinny dipping? Chunky dunking… pretty cute, huh?

I am so excited about the new attitude and bold confidence of the plus sized girls in today’s world. They wear their fuller figures like badge of honor. They dress the way they want. They flaunt it and they know how to enter a room with panache like nobody’s business. They love their curves! One of my idols, Miss Mae West, was known for her hourglass body. Here’s what Miss Mae said on the subject. “Cultivate your curves-they may be dangerous, but they won’t be avoided”.

If you are not aware, there is a proud army of plus-sized women fighting hard to be recognized and counted with all the other beautiful women in the universe. There is a “curvy girl” revolution going on and I want to sign up for active duty. I say a big “BRAVO!” to those ladies who are true to themselves and fearless about their bodies. Whether you call it being self-assured, uninhibited or having swagger, it’s all awesome. I have to indulge once again in the words of my beloved Mae who wrote the book on how to “work it”.

“It isn’t what I do, but how I do it. It isn’t what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do and say it!”
~Mae West

iPhone, iPad, i Give Up!

I finally joined the ranks of the Apple community and bought an iPad. My kids all have them and they were determined to include me in their iWorld. I was assured that it would be easy and “intuitive”. I was so intimidated by the darn thing that I enrolled in an iPad class at the Apple store. Convinced that I would be the stupidest person there, I was delighted to find that there was a guy in our group who had never even turned his on because he wasn’t sure how. I learned a lot and was able to keep up with my family’s online communication pretty well. I actually like the FaceTime thing. It is nice to see the one you are talking to, but I must admit, that except for driver’s license photos, you really can’t look much worse than you do on an iPad screen.

All this technology is really hard for me, but I am like the kid who doesn’t know much about sex and pretends he does so he looks cool. When my son-in-law couldn’t answer a question about how to fix something, he asked me if I had asked Siri. I wondered how Tom Cruise’s daughter could help, but then realized he was saying Siri. Thinking on my feet, I told him “not yet” but assured him I thought it was a good idea. I figured it had something to do with the iPad. So I learned about Siri and although she can be helpful, she really doesn’t have much personality, if you ask me.

My family’s promises of an enriched online existence were actually pretty true. My casino games are amazing on the iPad. I am sold.

Anyway, it wasn’t long before I was talked into buying an iPhone. Members of the Apple cult like everyone to have the same equipment. It’s an OK phone, but does way more than I need. It’s like owning a combination convection/microwave oven that can make anything from a standing rib roast to a chocolate mousse in record time, but you only use it make popcorn and heat up leftovers.

I will admit that having a smartphone makes you look like you are keeping up with the times, so I pretend, but there is one thing that drives me absolutely crazy and gets me into nothing but trouble. I am a texter. Most of the people in my world text me when they have something to tell me. It’s definitely one of the best features of modern communication. But who thought that auto-correct was helpful? My first experience was when I texted my daughter that I was going to the library before our lunch date at noon and advised her that I might be a few minutes late. It wasn’t until she wrote back and asked me what time my flight got in that I realized that my iPhone had corrected library to Liberia. She knew what I meant and it was funny.

Not so funny was my next experience; I texted my friend one afternoon and inquired as to how she was doing? Of all my friends, she is the most conservative. I knew her for years before she ever told me anything personal about herself. To say she is the buttoned up sort is putting it mildly, but we now have a very close though still somewhat reserved relationship. So I texted her and said “Hey, honey… how are you feeling today? The response didn’t come back so I looked to make sure I had sent it. It went through but it was then that I noticed that auto-correct had changed it to “Hey homey…” There isn’t a person on earth who is LESS gangsta than Joan. I explained what had happened and I think she understood.

Ever since then, I read and re-read what I send. That damn auto-correct has a mind of its own. It victimizes innocent people and puts relationships at risk every day of the world. I can prove it! There are entire websites dedicated to the problems that people encounter because auto-correct decides that it knows what you want to say better than you do. Read on...

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Exhibit A

“OK, Mom... I will see you Sunday and I’m bringing drugs.”
“Like HELL you are! Don’t even think about bringing drugs into this house!”
“Relax, Mom... it was auto-correct's fault. I meant to say I am bringing Doug.”

Exhibit B

“Thanks again for an amazing first date :).”
“Thank YOU! So when would you like to go out on our second date? I can’t wait to see those beautiful nipples of yours!”
"NO!"
“I am so sorry! I meant dimples! I hate auto-correct. I am now going to jump off a bridge! Goodnight.”

Exhibit C

“I will see you at Christmas, darling. By the way, what would you like for your stalking?”
“Hide outside… mostly at night. Use binoculars. Take notes about what I do during the day. Steal things from my garbage can… write me cryptic notes. All that will be good.”

Exhibit D

“Come on over and see what I bought!"
“You went shopping without me? Where?”
“To Macy’s, but then I went crazy in Turban Outfitters!”

Exhibit E

"Honestly, if you were still living here, I would try to date you. You are so sweet, a good friend and so beautiful, but you’re so damn fat! Stupid auto-correct! I meant FAR! You’re too damn far!"

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You see what I mean? You can get in some serious trouble when something automated tinkers with what you are trying to say. It’s not like auto-correct does a good job of it! If it made me look more competent or smarter, it would be a valid feature, but there is way too much guesswork going on here. I have no problem with being corrected, but let it be from some place where they know what they are doing. Auto-correct does much more harm than good and causes nothing but mayhem and foolishness.

Anyway, I come from the era of the original, authentic auto-correct. A time when if incorrect things came out of your mouth, the real auto-correct would let you know immediately that you were wrong. It was called MOM.