I finally joined the ranks of the Apple community and bought an iPad. My kids all have them and they were determined to include me in their iWorld. I was assured that it would be easy and “intuitive”. I was so intimidated by the darn thing that I enrolled in an iPad class at the Apple store. Convinced that I would be the stupidest person there, I was delighted to find that there was a guy in our group who had never even turned his on because he wasn’t sure how. I learned a lot and was able to keep up with my family’s online communication pretty well. I actually like the FaceTime thing. It is nice to see the one you are talking to, but I must admit, that except for driver’s license photos, you really can’t look much worse than you do on an iPad screen.
All this technology is really hard for me, but I am like the kid who doesn’t know much about sex and pretends he does so he looks cool. When my son-in-law couldn’t answer a question about how to fix something, he asked me if I had asked Siri. I wondered how Tom Cruise’s daughter could help, but then realized he was saying Siri. Thinking on my feet, I told him “not yet” but assured him I thought it was a good idea. I figured it had something to do with the iPad. So I learned about Siri and although she can be helpful, she really doesn’t have much personality, if you ask me.
My family’s promises of an enriched online existence were actually pretty true. My casino games are amazing on the iPad. I am sold.
Anyway, it wasn’t long before I was talked into buying an iPhone. Members of the Apple cult like everyone to have the same equipment. It’s an OK phone, but does way more than I need. It’s like owning a combination convection/microwave oven that can make anything from a standing rib roast to a chocolate mousse in record time, but you only use it make popcorn and heat up leftovers.
I will admit that having a smartphone makes you look like you are keeping up with the times, so I pretend, but there is one thing that drives me absolutely crazy and gets me into nothing but trouble. I am a texter. Most of the people in my world text me when they have something to tell me. It’s definitely one of the best features of modern communication. But who thought that auto-correct was helpful? My first experience was when I texted my daughter that I was going to the library before our lunch date at noon and advised her that I might be a few minutes late. It wasn’t until she wrote back and asked me what time my flight got in that I realized that my iPhone had corrected library to Liberia. She knew what I meant and it was funny.
Not so funny was my next experience; I texted my friend one afternoon and inquired as to how she was doing? Of all my friends, she is the most conservative. I knew her for years before she ever told me anything personal about herself. To say she is the buttoned up sort is putting it mildly, but we now have a very close though still somewhat reserved relationship. So I texted her and said “Hey, honey… how are you feeling today? The response didn’t come back so I looked to make sure I had sent it. It went through but it was then that I noticed that auto-correct had changed it to “Hey homey…” There isn’t a person on earth who is LESS gangsta than Joan. I explained what had happened and I think she understood.
Ever since then, I read and re-read what I send. That damn auto-correct has a mind of its own. It victimizes innocent people and puts relationships at risk every day of the world. I can prove it! There are entire websites dedicated to the problems that people encounter because auto-correct decides that it knows what you want to say better than you do. Read on...****************
“OK, Mom... I will see you Sunday and I’m bringing drugs.”
“Like HELL you are! Don’t even think about bringing drugs into this house!”
“Relax, Mom... it was auto-correct's fault. I meant to say I am bringing Doug.”
“Thanks again for an amazing first date :).”
“Thank YOU! So when would you like to go out on our second date? I can’t wait to see those beautiful nipples of yours!”
“I am so sorry! I meant dimples! I hate auto-correct. I am now going to jump off a bridge! Goodnight.”
“I will see you at Christmas, darling. By the way, what would you like for your stalking?”
“Hide outside… mostly at night. Use binoculars. Take notes about what I do during the day. Steal things from my garbage can… write me cryptic notes. All that will be good.”
“Come on over and see what I bought!"
“You went shopping without me? Where?”
“To Macy’s, but then I went crazy in Turban Outfitters!”
"Honestly, if you were still living here, I would try to date you. You are so sweet, a good friend and so beautiful, but you’re so damn fat! Stupid auto-correct! I meant FAR! You’re too damn far!"****************
You see what I mean? You can get in some serious trouble when something automated tinkers with what you are trying to say. It’s not like auto-correct does a good job of it! If it made me look more competent or smarter, it would be a valid feature, but there is way too much guesswork going on here. I have no problem with being corrected, but let it be from some place where they know what they are doing. Auto-correct does much more harm than good and causes nothing but mayhem and foolishness.
Anyway, I come from the era of the original, authentic auto-correct. A time when if incorrect things came out of your mouth, the real auto-correct would let you know immediately that you were wrong. It was called MOM.