Driver's Education

I don't know if I have ever mentioned it, but I am not a big fan of driving. I must have been an heiress in my previous life because being driven just feels so much more natural. My grown kids know how to get on my good side when they make plans and then ask me if Miss Daisy would like to be picked up. Hell yes!

Unfortunately, I am still doing my own driving for the time being. It's not that I mind being behind the wheel. I have a very comfortable climate controlled car with music and news at my fingertips and a moon roof if I should ever feel sporty. It's what is outside of my vehicle that drives me crazy about driving. For me, driving means that I have to endure an unfathomable amount of stupid.

Let's start with billboard advertising. These big companies spend bazillions of dollars to get their brand across in the nano-second it takes a car to pass by. Wouldn't you think the content would be easy to read and their message understandable? A bit of cleverness might even make drivers-by remember what they are selling. I can't tell you how many times my sister and I have been stuck in bumper to bumper freeway traffic and one of us will point and say " explain that billboard to me". Most of the time neither one of us gets the message in stop and go rush hour traffic so I doubt that many drivers are getting inspired to try the product at 65 miles per hour.

So even if I am not distracted by lame billboards, there is still so much going on to make my drive aggravating. People do crazy things while driving. It is illegal to hold a cell phone and talk yet I see people doing it all the time. What is it about the term "hands free" that is so difficult to understand? I see drivers blatantly holding their phones and talking. What could possibly be so important that you would risk the lives of others and not just pull over? What about the folks that hold their cell phones low in the palm of their hand with the screen facing towards the sky? Now that's a natural looking pose. The only other time a human holds their hand like that is when they are clutching a deck of cards and getting ready to deal 5 card stud. Yeah, I bet the police haven't figured out that you're on your phone.

We all know that we should never text and drive. The public service announcements make a strong point. But how about all the other inane things people do while they are driving that no one ever talks about? In all fairness, I will gender-ize what I have seen. Men first. I have seen guys reading the paper, brushing their teeth, and shaving while driving. As far as the ladies go, we do violate the cell phone rules at least as much as the men, but we tend to do things like putting on mascara etc. at stop lights. I admit to refreshing my lip gloss or reviewing my "to do" list while the car is stopped and I am waiting for the light to change. Women are notoriously better multi-taskers than men, so it is understandable that women may be able to perform womanly or motherly duties safely while behind the wheel, but even the fairer sex has been known to step over the bounds of good sense. Nothing illustrates this better than when my sister was stopped at a signal and the woman behind her rear ended my sisters car. The ladies pulled over and once they assured each other that no one was hurt, the woman admitted that her foot slipped off the brake pedal while she was trying to pump breast milk. True story. I can't make stuff like this up. The girls and cars were fine and they both had a good laugh.

I will continue to do things while waiting at signals. I am good at it and I never have to worry about knowing when it is time to go because there is always some impatient ass behind me who will hit the horn the second the light goes green.

Because there is little hope that i will have a chauffeur in the near future, I have found ways to engage my brain as to make my journeys more like learning experiences. It is increasingly more curious to study the cars and the people who drive them. There are human behaviors attached to what people choose to drive, you know. Vehicles can't speak, but yet....they do.

Big trucks and SUV's are the alpha dogs of the highway. Because they have big cars, these drivers think they own the road. I find it best to just let them have their way. Their bullying egos, rising gas prices and karma will do them in eventually. Trust me. No one needs a car the size of a 747 and those who indulge in the "bigger is better" philosophy will pay the price one way or another.

Some women who drive fancy foreign cars have very much the same kind of attitude. Their car is an extension of who they are. How sad to let your automobile define you. Ok, I need to rethink that statement. I would never lie to you. If I went to my garage and found that the Bentley fairy left me a brand new white one, I would let my car define me without hesitation. I'm just sayin'.....

Don't you love those "kid cars "? You know, the ones made for the youth market. Some of them are really cute. The Soul, the Cube and those adorable Fiats all just scream young and moving on up. When I was in my 20's, there weren't special cars or a niche market for my age group. I was lucky to get my Aunt Helen's Ford Falcon on a payment plan.

See, my time on the road isn't for naught. I have used my drive time wisely but it's still not my favorite thing to do. You can learn an awful lot about this country and it's people by just looking out your car windows. Yes people, and let's DO remember that the drivers seat is surrounded by windows and others can see in. Keep your hands on the wheel and out of your nose. Ladies, keep you skirt pulled down and your knees together. My cousin is a long haul trucker and he has seen more body parts by accident than he cares to share.

Until next time.

P.S. Drive safely. We have a date next week.

Pet Peeves du Jour

Like everything else in life, the things that bug you can change, because YOU change. I am no different. I just might have reached a level of maturity where little things don’t bother me. No... that’s not it. Other things just piss me off more. The peeves that drove me crazy a few years ago may have had on expiration date or perhaps I just found other instances of behavior from humans that seemed more important to try to do something about or maybe, just maybe, I have grown into a more laid back, less critical, more charitable Fifi who turns the other way when people do thoughtless acts. You pick one, I’m good with all of them, but that won’t stop me from venting about what is bugging the crap out of me right now.

Maybe I get easily irritated, but I also work conscientiously to try to make people aware of what is offensive. I try to do it in a kind way. You have to be gentle if you want to change things. Sometimes I wish I were from the South. I love the way Southerners can say something completely insulting while making it sound so endearing when it comes out of their mouths. They can look right at you and say the most hideous thing and end it with a twangy “bless your little heart”. It’s amazing and I wish I could get away with it, but have to have the drawl to get away with it.

Anyway, back to my personal torment. My peeves aren’t in any order and some of them have unfortunately stood the test of time and still annoy me years later.

Let’s begin with this one. I still think balding men with comb-overs are not attractive. I try not to stare when I see them, but I always imagine what their mornings must be like. How long must it take to whip their overgrown side hair into that unnatural hair pattern that attempts to cover up a bald head? Do they really think that a side part right above their ear and the 3 strands of hair over the top that are Aqua Nett-ed within an inch of their lives is fooling anyone? Guys, listen up. I would much rather kiss a sexy bald head than try to deal with one of those crazy comb-over messes.

Next, I believe that wearing sandals is a privilege, not a right. If you don’t have the time to take care of your feet, then you should cover them up. I am talking about men and women. I am honestly not crazy about men in sandals at all, unless you are going to the pool. And sandals with socks? Ugh… it would make me question other decisions a person might make.

While we are on the subject. I just don’t get women who wear these new super high crazy heels when they can’t walk in them. I see it all the time at the mall. I never understood why any woman would torture their feet in 5 inch heels to go shopping. These women may think they look sexy, but they are obviously not dedicated shoppers. While they are hobbling along in their “red carpet” footwear, I hit every store from one end to the other and get all the good stuff wearing my hot pink and lime green Pumas. I sprint from one bargain to another and make the sisterhood of shoppers proud. Could I have gotten my black belt in shopping if I chose to wear pole dancing shoes to Macy’s? Hell no!

As I get older, I realize that I must be more charitable in my judgments. I am lucky to have my readers so I can vent. You know, I really miss PMS. Now that I am past the menstrual years, I can no longer blame bitchy outbursts on hormones. I have to “woman up” and be responsible for what I say. I hate that. I really have a hard time with people who won’t eat outside their culture. I am not just talking about people from other countries. My cousins visited me from the Midwest. They told me they ate Mexican food so I took them to one of Los Angeles’ best Mexican restaurants. I will never forget their look of horror when the waiter was preparing our tableside guacamole. They wouldn’t even try it. I found out later that they had never had an avocado or real Mexican food. Taco Bell doesn’t count. Good grief, you can learn so much about other people by getting to know their cuisine. Being open minded about trying new dishes is a joy. I can guarantee you that my ass is living testament to my international taste buds and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

OK, one of my biggest pet peeves in life is cheap tippers. I never tip less than 15% and usually much more, even if the waiter or waitress was abominable. I have great respect for people who work on their feet all day and deal with cranky customers who want everything NOW. I am grateful that I don’t have to do their job and I show my appreciation for what I have in this life by tipping them anyway. After all, I didn’t have to get the food myself and I can live without the Thousand Island dressing I asked for 3 times and never got. I look at it as my own secret charity.

I think I have hit my “biggy” aggravations for the time being. It always makes me feel better to share these things with you. My readers are my own special anger management team and I love you for it. Think of all the money I save on psychiatrists because I have you. Oh yes, I am talking about you Bob, Marnie, Walt, Laine, Clover, Janice, Vaughn, Myrna and all of you who read me regularly. You keep me sane and give me the ability to know when it’s time to “get over it”. Thank you.

Goodbye for this week, but before I go, let me just mention that I am also bothered by drivers who don’t know how to merge or parallel park. It makes me crazy when babies cry in restaurants and their parents don’t take them outside and I HATE getting texts that LoOk RAndSom nOTeS or use lazy shortcuts like C U L8ter.

Whew! I feel fabulous! Until next time... Kiss Kiss.

Paper Princess

I am an admitted note and list writer. One of the greatest days of my life was when they came out with Post-it Notes. I can remind myself of everything anywhere I choose. I can stick up lists and “to dos” and unstick them when I am done.

I guess I just like the idea of paper. I have kept every greeting card from everyone who has ever loved me. I have a collection of tickets from all the concerts and special events I have gone to in the past decades. I have the Playbills from the plays I loved. Some I saw some on Broadway, some at community theater. I have the programs from all my kids’ graduations and sadly, I kept the memorial hand outs from the funerals of the people I love who are no longer on this earth.

I have all my love letters. I am old enough to have even received a telegram or two. I have all these treasures in a lovely old German cookie tin that looks like a treasure chest. It must have held 25 lbs of cookies, so it isn’t small. From time to time I love to go through everything and remember. I figure that my children will one day look through all this stuff and get to know me from another angle.

Did you ever see the movie “The Bridges of Madison County”? If you weren’t one of the 50,000,000 people who bought the book, you may have seen the very romantic movie with Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood. If you didn’t do either, it’s the story of a married but lonely Italian woman, living in 1960s Madison County, Iowa. She engages in a short but intense affair with a National Geographic photographer who is on location in order to create a pictorial essay of the lovely covered bridges in the area. The woman’s husband is out of town with their teenage kids. The affair lasted but a few days because she could not leave her family, but she wrote about it in her diary and the experience lasted her a lifetime. I don’t remember if they ever slept together, but they dined and danced and looked into each other’s souls. Her secret was not discovered until after her death when her grown children found her personal papers and mementos in her trunk.

Is sending a love text as romantic as receiving a note from someone who is falling for you?

When I die, there won’t be much to go through in my keepsake box that is very controversial or shocking, but my children will feel me every time they revisit the treasures I have left behind. I think they will smile when they see how dear their cards and notes were to me.

This is the way it used to be back when people respected paper. There were diaries and love letters and keepsakes. Tell me, how does this cell-phone crazy, tablet-loving younger generation fall in love? Is sending a love text as romantic as receiving a note from someone who is falling for you? How could an email expressing even the most profound love be as dreamy as a scented love letter? I can tell you that the gushy feeling you get after you read such a special piece of mail can be life changing. The emotions you experience when you ceremoniously put it back in the envelope for safe keeping until you read it again can never be outdone by receiving a romantic email and hitting “SAVE” so you can re-read it later. And where are the keepsakes? There are no longer plane tickets to keep recalling a beautiful vacation. Theater and concert tickets are being replaced by print outs on the computer. If that’s not bad enough, this young breed of computer brains will leave no yellowed photographs of important relatives or family events from decades before. There are no real photos anymore. All the pictures and memories are floating around in cyber space and can only be recalled on some electronic device. Goodbye to sitting around with the family and reminiscing over the photo albums.

I am not some old dinosaur that refuses to go electronic. I have an iPhone and an iPad. I text like a champ and do all sorts of things on my devices that I used to do on paper. But there are just some things that should stay the same.

I am not a big fan of e-cards. It is true that they are fun while you are looking at them, but after the music stops and the birds and the butterflies stop skywriting “Happy Birthday”, then what? You can’t put your card in your secret keepsake place to hold and enjoy all over again. Oh sure, you can store it away and revisit it later in your Documents. Now THAT’S warm and fuzzy.

In my humble opinion, I believe that we should get on board to "Save The Keepsakes". Just because something is old fashioned doesn’t mean it’s bad. Please... for me... please tell the people in your life to think about writing real love letters and thank you notes, keeping a diary, creating a photo album with real pages and sending paper cards to celebrate special days. Tell everyone you know. I did. I just posted it on Facebook a few minutes ago.