BIG NEWS!

I recently lost some weight and everyone noticed, but not in the way I expected. It’s very different when you are 20-something and drop noticeable poundage. People assume it is vanity, or a big occasion or a reckless life style or a new man. When we get into our mid-30s through our 40s, we ladies fight the battles of a slower metabolism, hormonal changes, raising families and demanding careers that can pack on pounds. If you lose weight at this age, it can be credited to midlife crisis, finding yourself and making room for “me” time or being back in the dating game after a divorce.

Now if you are over 50, like yours truly, it’s a whole different ball game. I dropped some weight on purpose and the responses were so odd. A man friend who I have known for over 30 years, noticed immediately and gave me a congratulatory hug for my new look. But he ruined it all by adding that it will be easier for me to attract a man now that I am thinner. I was speechless. First of all, I was always proportionate and curvy. I am still built the same way only a bit smaller. Secondly, I have never had a minute’s problem attracting men no matter what my size or age. And to be brutally honest, attracting a man in my age group doesn't have as much to do with figure shape and beauty as it does with the ability to have stimulating conversations and enjoy common interests. And if a girl can cook and has ESPN, you are a virtual goddess.

I next encountered an acquaintance that threw her arms around me and whispered softly words that I never expected to hear. “Are you well, darling? I hope it’s nothing serious”. Good grief! She thought I was sick. She evidently has no idea how sick I would have to be to not be interested in eating. I am trying to think about that last statement and come up with an answer. Let’s see… how ill would I have to be to not want to eat? Unconscious is all I can come up with.

Only last week I ran into one of my neighbors who I had not seen for a while. She was quite surprised to see a smaller me. “Look at you! So how’s your business doing, honey?” she inquired with a concerned look on her face. Not “You look great”, or “You look younger” or healthier or anything close. She thought maybe I lost weight because I was so stressed out because the business was failing or I didn’t have money for groceries or some other ridiculous thought. “Everything is great. The business is doing wonderfully well, but thanks for asking”, I replied.

For the record, I lost weight for two reasons. My doctor nags me all the time about 15 or 20 lbs. I never hear the end of it. If I go see him because my knee hurts, it’s because I am too fat. If I am having trouble sleeping at night, it’s because I am too fat. If I have bronchitis, he tells me I’m too fat as he is writing out the prescription for Amoxicillin. It’s always the same no matter what I am there for. The second reason is that I decided it would be better for me all around if I lost a few pounds and actually fit into the clothes I own.

I have always been a curvy girl and I have always been happy with me. Maybe I was before my time, but I never felt compelled to diet into a size 6. The last time I was a size 6, I was 6. Been there, done that. Now I live in my size 14 world with great conviction.

I was something of a pioneer in my industry when it came to the plus sized body. I designed lingerie for the fuller figure decades ago. As you know, we have a fantastic array of plus size merchandise on LoveFifi.com. As a matter of fact, we are currently re-photographing our entire plus department on plus sized models. Yeah!

This girl has always been comfortable with being in the double digit size range my entire adult life. I have never been, or wanted to be, skinny and I have done a fine job of that never happening. There are times when I want to weigh less, but I preserve my curves and remain proud. When you’re beauti-FULL, as I call it, you have to have a thick skin to go along with your thicker figure. I don’t even mind some of the jokes. What is it called when fat people go skinny dipping? Chunky dunking… pretty cute, huh?

I am so excited about the new attitude and bold confidence of the plus sized girls in today’s world. They wear their fuller figures like badge of honor. They dress the way they want. They flaunt it and they know how to enter a room with panache like nobody’s business. They love their curves! One of my idols, Miss Mae West, was known for her hourglass body. Here’s what Miss Mae said on the subject. “Cultivate your curves-they may be dangerous, but they won’t be avoided”.

If you are not aware, there is a proud army of plus-sized women fighting hard to be recognized and counted with all the other beautiful women in the universe. There is a “curvy girl” revolution going on and I want to sign up for active duty. I say a big “BRAVO!” to those ladies who are true to themselves and fearless about their bodies. Whether you call it being self-assured, uninhibited or having swagger, it’s all awesome. I have to indulge once again in the words of my beloved Mae who wrote the book on how to “work it”.

“It isn’t what I do, but how I do it. It isn’t what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do and say it!”
~Mae West

iPhone, iPad, i Give Up!

I finally joined the ranks of the Apple community and bought an iPad. My kids all have them and they were determined to include me in their iWorld. I was assured that it would be easy and “intuitive”. I was so intimidated by the darn thing that I enrolled in an iPad class at the Apple store. Convinced that I would be the stupidest person there, I was delighted to find that there was a guy in our group who had never even turned his on because he wasn’t sure how. I learned a lot and was able to keep up with my family’s online communication pretty well. I actually like the FaceTime thing. It is nice to see the one you are talking to, but I must admit, that except for driver’s license photos, you really can’t look much worse than you do on an iPad screen.

All this technology is really hard for me, but I am like the kid who doesn’t know much about sex and pretends he does so he looks cool. When my son-in-law couldn’t answer a question about how to fix something, he asked me if I had asked Siri. I wondered how Tom Cruise’s daughter could help, but then realized he was saying Siri. Thinking on my feet, I told him “not yet” but assured him I thought it was a good idea. I figured it had something to do with the iPad. So I learned about Siri and although she can be helpful, she really doesn’t have much personality, if you ask me.

My family’s promises of an enriched online existence were actually pretty true. My casino games are amazing on the iPad. I am sold.

Anyway, it wasn’t long before I was talked into buying an iPhone. Members of the Apple cult like everyone to have the same equipment. It’s an OK phone, but does way more than I need. It’s like owning a combination convection/microwave oven that can make anything from a standing rib roast to a chocolate mousse in record time, but you only use it make popcorn and heat up leftovers.

I will admit that having a smartphone makes you look like you are keeping up with the times, so I pretend, but there is one thing that drives me absolutely crazy and gets me into nothing but trouble. I am a texter. Most of the people in my world text me when they have something to tell me. It’s definitely one of the best features of modern communication. But who thought that auto-correct was helpful? My first experience was when I texted my daughter that I was going to the library before our lunch date at noon and advised her that I might be a few minutes late. It wasn’t until she wrote back and asked me what time my flight got in that I realized that my iPhone had corrected library to Liberia. She knew what I meant and it was funny.

Not so funny was my next experience; I texted my friend one afternoon and inquired as to how she was doing? Of all my friends, she is the most conservative. I knew her for years before she ever told me anything personal about herself. To say she is the buttoned up sort is putting it mildly, but we now have a very close though still somewhat reserved relationship. So I texted her and said “Hey, honey… how are you feeling today? The response didn’t come back so I looked to make sure I had sent it. It went through but it was then that I noticed that auto-correct had changed it to “Hey homey…” There isn’t a person on earth who is LESS gangsta than Joan. I explained what had happened and I think she understood.

Ever since then, I read and re-read what I send. That damn auto-correct has a mind of its own. It victimizes innocent people and puts relationships at risk every day of the world. I can prove it! There are entire websites dedicated to the problems that people encounter because auto-correct decides that it knows what you want to say better than you do. Read on...

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Exhibit A

“OK, Mom... I will see you Sunday and I’m bringing drugs.”
“Like HELL you are! Don’t even think about bringing drugs into this house!”
“Relax, Mom... it was auto-correct's fault. I meant to say I am bringing Doug.”

Exhibit B

“Thanks again for an amazing first date :).”
“Thank YOU! So when would you like to go out on our second date? I can’t wait to see those beautiful nipples of yours!”
"NO!"
“I am so sorry! I meant dimples! I hate auto-correct. I am now going to jump off a bridge! Goodnight.”

Exhibit C

“I will see you at Christmas, darling. By the way, what would you like for your stalking?”
“Hide outside… mostly at night. Use binoculars. Take notes about what I do during the day. Steal things from my garbage can… write me cryptic notes. All that will be good.”

Exhibit D

“Come on over and see what I bought!"
“You went shopping without me? Where?”
“To Macy’s, but then I went crazy in Turban Outfitters!”

Exhibit E

"Honestly, if you were still living here, I would try to date you. You are so sweet, a good friend and so beautiful, but you’re so damn fat! Stupid auto-correct! I meant FAR! You’re too damn far!"

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You see what I mean? You can get in some serious trouble when something automated tinkers with what you are trying to say. It’s not like auto-correct does a good job of it! If it made me look more competent or smarter, it would be a valid feature, but there is way too much guesswork going on here. I have no problem with being corrected, but let it be from some place where they know what they are doing. Auto-correct does much more harm than good and causes nothing but mayhem and foolishness.

Anyway, I come from the era of the original, authentic auto-correct. A time when if incorrect things came out of your mouth, the real auto-correct would let you know immediately that you were wrong. It was called MOM.

Identity Crisis

I have now been divorced for 7 years and I have this burning desire to change my last name. I don’t think I want to get married again, so this is something I have to choose to do. I kept my ex-husband’s name because my girls carried that name, but now they are all married, so I am the only one who still uses my ex’s family name. It doesn’t suit me anymore. I have moved on but I am in a quandary as to what to do.

I started doing a little research on famous people who had changed their names. They wanted to become stars and so do I, just on a much smaller scale. It would feel good to reinvent myself a bit. Once I started reading up on what celebrities changed their names to, I realized that I have only one chance to do this right. I have to decide on what suits me best for my life going forward. If I get to choose a new last name, let it be something that rolls off the tongue and people will remember.

So, in the course of my name investigation, I had a lot of fun. It made me laugh to imagine using the person’s real name instead of their stage name in association with the things they were famous for. As an example, I have always thought that Jane Seymour was such a beautiful woman. Her petite frame, her gorgeous “romance novel” long hair and her delicate English accent made her stand out from so many other actresses. Imagine if she had depended only on her stunning attributes to carry her to fame. Would she have ever gone on to Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman or even Dancing with the Stars if she had remained Joyce Penelope Frankenberg?

Can you fathom a badass movie like Diehard with a star named Walter Willis? Good move Bruce. And I wonder if Coco would have been as attracted to Ice-T if she met him as Tracy Marrow? It’s pretty cool to have a husband named “Ice”, no pun intended. I like to think about her asking him to bring her a glass of lemonade with extra ice… how sexy. Names can be very powerful.

Even if you are given a nice sounding name, it doesn’t always have enough “oomph” to get you to the top. Dana Elaine Owens is a lovely name for a pretty lady. Queen Latifah, however, is the bomb. As for comedian Chevy Chase, that’s not his given name. It’s actually Cornelius Chase, which is just about as funny. Did you know that Marie Osmond’s real name is Olive? I really can’t picture a marquis that reads Donny and Olive. Can you?

Some famous people start out with great names but have to change them because other famous people have already used them. Singer Katy Perry’s real name is Katherine “Kate” Hudson. Goldie Hawn’s daughter made a change necessary. Comedian/actor Albert Brooks had a great original name... Albert Einstein. He had no choice but to change it. And actor Michael Keaton should have been born a bit earlier if he wanted to keep his real name, Michael Douglas.

I never knew that so many singers changed their names and it’s been going on for a long time. Eleanora Fagan must have known she was going to be legend. And Billie Holiday certainly is. Barry Manilow just couldn’t see Barry Pincus in neon lights. I agree with his decision. The name Gordon Sumner sounds like an accountant. Sting is much sexier. Would a man named Reginald Kenneth Dwight wow you as much as a man named Elton John? I think not.

Even though I am only thinking of changing my last name, I do like the impact that people make with just being known by one name. Elvis, Aretha, Madonna, Cher, Liberace, Demi and Bono… all are instantly recognized by the world. To be honest, I think I might go with the one name concept. It gives me instant recognition in my world and that’s pretty amazing. It should work out great. Everyone who doesn’t call me Fifi calls me Sister, Mom, Honey, or Baby. Yep, watch out, Elvis, Aretha, Madonna, Cher, Liberace, Demi and Bono… I’m comin’ in!