I have spent years convincing you all that I am this amazing creature who has all the answers to everything. I have created the illusion that I can solve any problem and work through almost anything effortlessly. This is why I have become the advice lady at LoveFifi.com When I am given a problem to solve, I confront it, I discuss it, I analyze it and sort it out until I formulate the perfect solution. Then I deliver my answer, with confidence and wisdom, to my believers. I have to admit, I am pretty good at advice and my track record even impresses me.
It may seem that nothing confounds Miss Fifi. But after all, I have lived a full life and I have paid attention the whole time. I have survived marriage, babies, Corporate America, raising teenagers, middle-age spread, losing loved ones and more. I am still cool despite the fact that the government, the airlines, customer service call centers, traffic and even the ones I love annoy the snot out of me on a daily basis. I don’t fall apart or get myself in a big twirl. Whether it’s MY dilemma or someone else’s, I seem to be able to find my way to a sensible end.
How do I do it, you ask? How is it that no matter what the world throws at me, I can somehow figure it out? How can this Fifi person handle huge difficulties and giant messes without exploding? Is she super-human? Is she a saint or an angel? Is she on drugs? What?
Although I particularly like the saint/angel theory, my success in untangling problems and giving good advice stems from something far less heavenly. The truth of the matter is I handle life so well because I know how to curse and swear better than any longshoreman or pirate ever dreamed. That is my secret.
This infatuation with dirty words started years ago. I called my little brother “stupid” and my mother washed my mouth out with soap. I learned my lesson very well that day. No amount of nasty tasting castile soap or bubbles up my nose could take away from the adrenalin rush and pure joy I felt screaming “STUPID!” into my brother’s face. I pretended I learned my lesson to keep mommy happy and to not lose my dessert that night, but I knew I had found the key to life.
My skills in the area of profanity became finely tuned in high school when I attended a very prestigious college prep all-girls academy. We, the uniformed little ladies, were there to prepare for University and to be molded into elegant and well-mannered young women. Our headmistress and her “posse” watched us girls like hawks, so such things as smoking in the girls’ room or sneaking alcohol were impossible. But what came out of our mouths when no one was around... that was another story. It was there where I learned a vocabulary and technique that would carry me through a lifetime. I also learned to swear under my breath and silently to myself. It’s not quite as satisfying or dramatic as blurting curse words out loud, but sometimes there is no other choice. Part of the learning process to my system is to know when you can get away with doing it out loud and when you have to do it inaudibly.
Here’s how it all works. When a problem or question arises that takes you by surprise, if you use bad words in your head before you open your mouth, you can get a lot of the shock and frustration out. When you finally speak, the words come out as wise and you look like you have the world figured out. For example, if someone rushed into my office and said “Fifi, John just backed his truck into your new car!” Because I can swear in my brain, I run through “OH blank! NO blanking WAY! And SON OF A blank! before I ever utter a syllable. I would then look up thoughtfully and say “Oh goodness, is John alright,” followed by “well, that’s why they call it INSURANCE!”. I look like the smartest, kindest and most understanding human being and I ended up saying exactly what was really important.
Not everyone is good at swearing. Not all people can reap the benefit of cuss word therapy because they just won’t jump into the program with both feet. You know those people I am talking about. They say darn and SPIT!... and oh fudge. It just doesn’t work the same. If the “F” word allows you to instantly let off steam and simultaneously allow your brain to engage normally, then say it! Freakin’, flippin’ and effin’ don’t have the power. They sound like a silly law firm. “Good Morning, Freakin, Flippin, and Effin... how may I direct your call?”
I have a good friend who is British who doesn’t believe in swearing. No matter what happens to him he always reacts the same. If I were to say to him, “Anthony! Your hair is on fire!” He would reply “Oh, Golly Gosh... thanks for letting me know, luv” as he was beating out the flames with his bare hands. By the way, Anthony gets into fist fights on a regular basis, so something’s not working out. Scarlett O’Hara got by with a simple little “Fiddle dee dee” when she was mad or perplexed. You know how she ended up.
So, there you have it, my darling readers. Now you know my secret. It’s not that I am so brilliant or was born with magnificent powers or perfect wisdom. It’s actually pretty simple... I get it right so much of the time because I have lived through much and I know I can get out my frustrations with a repertoire of juicy words. It’s not blanking rocket science, you know.
