Ever since I was a young girl, I have always dreamed of winning a big award and making my family super proud of me. Always having been a huge fan of the Academy Awards, I have often fantasized about what it would feel like to hear my name called out from a list of nominees. What must it feel like to hold a golden statue and thank everyone who made it possible? I have practiced my acceptance speech in my head many times. Winning an Oscar has always sounded like such an unbelievable high. Sadly, there is really only one thing that kept me from becoming an actress and winning the most coveted award in that industry: I have absolutely no acting talent. Meryl Streep, if you are reading this, don’t worry.
I never missed a Miss America or Miss Universe Pageant when I was growing up. My parents understood my passion for these events and allowed me to stay up through the whole thing. Though sleepy-eyed, I always made it to the end to see the big announcement, the crowning and “The Walk” down the runway as the new reigning Miss Whatever. I never had any delusions about trying to compete in one of these contests. Oh, I could have aced the evening gown event and done fine in the bathing suit competition, but I came to terms early on that my greatest feat of talent was probably not good enough to bowl the judges over in the midst of prima ballerinas and operatic virtuosos. Listen, it isn’t easy to twirl two batons and hula hoop at the same time.
I never even won a spelling bee in school and there was no such thing as Student of the Month. Back then you might have gotten a cheesy gold star for good work, but I would have really felt like a winner if I had been awarded a certificate and been given a bumper sticker to take home to my parents.
I was a pretty successful Camp Fire Girl. I sold more Campfire Girl chocolates than any girl in Los Angeles County, but I didn’t get an award. I got a free trip to Disneyland, but all these decades later, I hardly remember it. All that hard work and not even a plaque to prove I was the best.
I bowled in a league for a while in the 80s. I did it for the camaraderie and because my friends asked me to. I had never bowled before, but that didn’t seem to matter. It turns out that they loved me for my handicap. It seems that if you are a crappy bowler on a team where everyone else is excellent at the sport, it is a good thing. We won the championship and I have a photo of me somewhere with the only trophy I ever got. It really never felt like a victory. They used me because I sucked and I had to wear this hideous shirt every week.
The time I won a Halloween costume contest felt pretty good. I worked really hard on my costume but it ended up costing a freaking fortune at the end. Again, I didn’t get an award. I won a cheese board with a set of cute little spreading knives with ceramic handles that looked like different vegetables. Considering that my Mae West costume probably cost upwards of $150 dollars and the only cheese my family was eating at the time came individually wrapped, my win didn’t feel like a big deal.
Even though you all seem to love my articles, I doubt that there is any chance of me winning a Pulitzer Prize in literature, right? I just thought I would ask.
Ok, in all fairness, I was the “Cougar of the Month” last December in Fast Lane Biker Magazine. The sweet people who publish the thing made it sound like I beat out some heavy competition for the title. The truth is, they like me. I did feel triumphant and it felt good, but I didn’t win because of astounding beauty. I won it because I don’t look too bad for someone so old.
My sweet mother meant well when she tried to teach me to be humble. Fortunately, until last week I never had a true honor bestowed on me, so it wasn’t difficult to not show off.
Right now I am bursting with pride and I want to tell the whole world! How can it be wrong? If I was on a winning Super Bowl team, I would have a ring the size of the moon to flaunt.
What has happened to me in the last seven days has truly brought me to my knees and taken my breath away all at the same time. The feelings of joy and pride are overwhelming. I have won the award of all awards.
Last Tuesday, my daughter and her husband gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl. She is beautiful beyond words. I know... all grandmothers say that, even if the baby looks like E.T., but she IS and she is healthy and pink and so pretty. My first granddaughter... and they named her after ME! When I first heard what her name would be, I was speechless. To know that this amazing little girl will make her way in the world with this part of me is the Grand Prize. I have to pinch myself when I think about the magnitude of this honor. I will close now for this week. I understand that tears are not good for my keyboard.
