Next week summer officially begins. It's time to get out last year's bathing suit and see if the fat has shifted. People from England call bathing suits "swimming costumes", which I think is a much more appropriate term. I don't really feel any less freakish wearing a yard of spandex on a hot day than I would if I were to put on a Wonder Woman outfit to go to the market. But the truth is, I love the beach. I love pools. Swimming feels so wonderful and free. I just wish you could do it in sweats without drowning from the weight.
It is possible that I am being too hard on myself. I don't want to give up the dream of having just one more summer as a bathing beauty, but I have to face the fact that the last time I felt great in a swimsuit, Bill Clinton was president. It's not like I have really high standards. I don't expect to look like the models in Sports Illustrated. I just want to be somewhere between Baywatch and whale watch. I try to be comfortable in a bathing suit, but until they make one with a matching blazer, I will never feel really good.
Bathing suit season sounds good on paper, but the reality is that unless you have a pretty good body, it can be hell. With all other clothing you can hide the bad parts of your figure, but swimwear is way trickier. As you know, I am an expert on the subject of creative dressing, but even the great guru of underwear can't figure out how to hide much of anything under such a small amount of fabric, even if it is stretchy. Look... the goal is to put on the smallest, briefest garment that a woman wears in public and make it look good. You all know that adage about trying to put 10lbs of potatoes in a 5lb bag. That's not easy, but nothing is impossible. I knew instinctively that my swimsuit fashion tricks had to be the best ever published in the history of mankind.
So if you find yourself in the same dilemma with summer vacation season upon us, here are some REAL fashion tips that will make you feel better about donning your swim wear:
- 1. As soon as you get to the beach, find a person who is fatter than you and park your towel so that you can see them the whole time. If a bikini girl with 5% body fat prances by, look at the chubby person right away to ground yourself and bring you back to what is real and genuine.
- Wear sunglasses and a hat with the biggest brim you can find. It is actually possible that people will think that the hat is casting a huge shadow on your body, making you appear fat, which, of course, you are not.
- If you have kids and/or a dog, that is perfect! Take them with you whenever you plan to be wearing a bathing suit. When that moment arises that you feel like taking a dip, stand up quickly, hug a kid firmly on each side of you (this creates a slimming effect) then bolt towards the ocean. Dogs get excited and usually zigzag all around in goofy anticipation of family fun and divert the onlookers’ eyes away from your ass while you are making your way to the water.
So, there you go! This is all the fashion advice you will need this summer when it comes to bathing suits.
One more thing – and this is important. When you are wearing a swimsuit, THINK thin. It helps a lot. The "think it, be it" philosophy works. And here's the good news, neither beaches nor swimming pools have mirrors!
