I know this is going to start off like a depressing article, but it’s really not. Stick with me on this one, please.
One of the facts of life is that we all eventually lose people that are dear to us. They say that nothing is as certain as death and taxes. Both hit you hard, but at least with taxes, you can pay them off in installments. When someone that you love leaves this earth, the avalanche of gut-level emotion and unthinkable loss buries you.
I know, I know. I promised that this would not be gloomy and it really isn’t. Hang in with me a little longer...
I don’t think of myself as a prophet or a sage, but I am a sponge. I learn from doing and I always keep my heart and eyes wide open. If I didn’t think that I had something genuine and good to impart, I wouldn’t waste your time.
I have had more than my share of shocking, heartbreaking losses. Through each of these painful journeys, I have learned much. Every time someone close to me experiences the death of someone they love, I try to pass on what I know. If nothing else, I am proof that a person can go on and smile again.
I am no stranger to grief. My parents are gone. One of my dearest friends died of cancer way before her time. In 2009, I lost my beautiful 24 year old daughter, Jenni. And you are right, no parent should have to endure the loss of their child. It’s not right, but it happens. What then?
My father died when I was 36 and I was inconsolable. I actually sought out grief therapy. I was a daddy’s girl and I had no idea how I would survive without him. At my first session, the therapist listened and handed me endless Kleenexes as I sobbed. When it was her turn to talk, she said something that laid the groundwork for my ability to cope with my dad’s departure and the tragedies that followed. She told me flat out that I would NEVER get over my father’s death and that I did not have to. She then went on to say that how I conducted my life and what I accomplished from here on out would be my living tribute to all that he put into me. After my 3rd of 10 scheduled sessons, she hugged me and said goodbye. No need to come back. I understood what I had to do.
“I am no stranger to grief. It's not right, but it happens. What then?”I took her words seriously and jumped back into life slowly but steadily. I felt my daddy’s presence and proceeded with his love watching over me. Only one thing could break me down, and that was when I had something to tell him and reached for the phone. There just isn’t a 1-800-HEAVEN. You can’t call when something good happens or when you need advice. It was hard, but I did officially grow up that year and I began the process of learning how to handle the hardest thing in life... death. There may not be a direct line to heaven, but there is definitely a way to keep those who now live there remembered and honored forever.
When you lose someone you love, you have to cry EVERY TEAR. No sucking it up, no back burner-ing or holding back. The most ridiculous things will make you cry in the most ridiculous places. After my dad passed, I was in the supermarket. As soon as I saw a Sara Lee banana cake in the freezer section, I started to cry uncontrollably. That was my dad’s favorite! Why was it sitting there next to the frozen waffles when it should have been poised on a velvet pillow? I pulled myself together before I drew a crowd, put one in the basket and kept going. You shouldn't hold back the tears because they will have to come out eventually. The sooner you can talk about that person without crying, the sooner you can tell the stories about them all the way through.
It's understandable to feel tremendous sadness and emptiness, but don't ever get caught up in the woulda, shoulda, coulda syndrome. Thoughts that you could have changed things if you had done something different will be the undoing of you and your family.
It is very important to remember only the good things about a person after they die. It is my opinion that when a person reaches the status of angel that all the bad stuff vaporizes into oblivion and the good stuff shines like a beacon for all eternity.
The best way to keep someone’s memory alive is to take on their most positive attributes as your own. If they were prompt, be prompt. If they were good listeners, be one too. My Jennifer could get along with anyone. She could find the good in anyone. Before I lost her, half the people in my life pissed me off. Since she has been gone, I am so much more patient and forgiving as a tribute to my girl.
Never avoid experiencing the things that your loved one enjoyed. Listen to their favorite music, eat at their favorite restaurants, visit places they loved to go. And if there is something that they didn’t get to do and wanted to, do it for them. It is the job of us who are left behind to do the things on earth for them. This one is hard, but once you start, it will bring you peace.
You are probably asking yourself why is she writing about this? After all, you read these damn articles of mine to be entertained and now I have taken you down this road, over Sunday coffee, when you were expecting to laugh. Listen, I let you all inside of my life and my head and like the song goes... you have to take “All of Me”.
I did it for 2 reasons. First of all, I did it selfishly. I have people that I care very much about who are struggling with different stages of grief at the present time. They read my articles every week, because I make them, so they will get my message in the gentlest way. I know from your emails that many of you have suffered losses, so it seemed like the right time to share what has gotten me through.
Secondly, I did it for our angels. They are happy and pain free and only have one concern as they float around in the clouds. Our angels worry about us. I hope my words will help you when you need them. And to those we love who have gone to heaven, you can now concern yourselves with just being beautiful angels. I think I have it handled down here.
